Mommy-in-waiting...

Alfred

2012-01-28T11:00:00.000-08:00

For those of you who left comments on my previous post I really appreciate it..I realize s.ex is a very personal subject and not easy to open up about. It is comforting to know I'm not alone with the issues I'm facing. And, I loved all the creative ideas for improving 'my situation'!;)

So a few months ago my husband and I attended a marriage conference. Maybe you heard about it? It was called "A Love Worth Fighting For" and was put on by Kirk Cameron and focused on strengthening marriages. K and I got a lot out of the evening and came away with such hope and the true understanding that next to God marriage is the most important relationship in our lives.

The other (unexpected) thing that happened that night was becoming sponsors to a little boy across the world named Alfred. He is 10 years old. All my life I can remember seeing heartbreaking commercials asking people to step forward and help children in need, but though they affected me I admit I never called and offered to help. But this changed that night. I felt so convicted during the presentation by one of the speakers who shared his personal testimony and belief in the Christian organization Food for the Hungry: http://www.fh.org/. When I turned with tear-soaked eyes towards K afterwards I saw reflected in his eyes that same heart-ache and the realization God was tugging on our hearts to give - there was no way we couldn't raise our hands when it came time for the sponsored childrens' information cards to be passed around.

That little boy whose photo we received - Alfred - has been changing our lives since. We've sent a few letters back and forth and consider it an honor and a blessing to be able to pray for this special little boy and to have him in our lives. We love praying for our "sponsored son" - he, John-John, and our Goddaughter are the first on our list of people to pray for each night. Though we've only talked via letters Alfred is so full of life and seems to have such a heart for God already; I only hope he will continue to want to keep in touch with us for years to come because I can hardly wait to see how God is going to work in his life.

Each time we receive a letter from him it feels like Christmas. I eagerly check the mailbox every day after sending ours off. Well, last week we received a reply from him and as I read his latest letter aloud to John I found myself so choked up I couldn't finish the words at the end. He said, "Thank you for praying for me. I pray also for you that God will continue to bless you."

To bless US. Those beautiful words stopped me in my tracks. I can't remember praying as a child for someone else (outside my family) to be blessed..let alone someone I hardly knew. Yet here is this precious young boy who we have never met and who has little materially in life, and he is concerned with our family, asking for blessings upon our lives. We, who have so much materially and oftentimes take it for granted.

Words fail me as I try to adequately describe how I felt reading those words, or how this sponsoring experience has impacted me and my family. I can only say that it has made a profound impact and will continue to do so..I am grateful beyond measure for this "eucharisteo" God has given my family. I hope someday Alfred will know the impression he's left on our hearts and that we are in awe of the person he is. And that though we are continents apart we care for him deeply and yearn for the opportunity to meet someday, to be able to hug him and spend time with him in person.

I would love to be able to sponsor more children in the future but for now will have to wait as our finances are tight this season of life. I just had to share about this amazing little boy so obviously bound by God's love, his family's, ours and I am positive love from many others, and who has a compassion beyond his years. It is my sincere hope John-John will have such a heart for God and others too as he grows.

S.ex and sleep deprivation

2012-01-25T10:51:00.001-08:00

Warning - TMI post! Totally understand if you want to stop reading here:)

With how fast time's flown since John-John was born it really seems like just yesterday we were getting him to independently sleep in his own crib. Fast-forward about a year though and we find ourselves back in the same boat, only this time the struggle is around getting him to sleep in his own "big boy" (read: toddler;)) bed.

The nights are working out well. John gets up once after being tucked in to peek his head out the door, we tell him night-night again and he needs to go back to bed, and he does it independently. But this is where the good part ends. For afternoon naps I've been laying with him up to twenty minutes because if I leave him in his room John just plays and plays. I thought at first this was maybe because he's starting to eliminate daytime sleep (which I'd be fine with) but when I've let him stay up he's ended up falling asleep at random, bad times (like 4/5/6 p.m.ish) and in random places (like in his booster seat while eating). So I know he definitely still needs them.

That's one issue we're dealing with. The other is that John's started waking up REALLY early, and because he's teething too he'll sometimes wake in the wee hours and not go back to sleep at all. We've been bringing him to our bed lately because we're just too tired to do anything else. I realize that's a terrible excuse! But at that time of the morning ALL I am focused on is getting back to bed so I can be a good and patient, not cranky and irritated, Mama the next day.

Because John's sleep has been so unpredictable and I've been a zombie much of the time I've started trying to get to bed earlier, which is difficult because my husband's very much a night owl..he's been known to come to bed at 3 a.m. on a work night. And he wakes me up every time, which I find incredibly frustrating.

So all this has of course led our s.ex life to suffer quite a bit. It's been hard because my hubby works late a lot of the time (he works in software development and his hours have always been all over the place) so we usually have to "plan" for intimacy in the mornings. (Even though he stays up late he says he's too tired for s.ex). But mornings have been impossible recently because of either a) being overly tired and using that time to sleep or b) our son literally being in bed with us. Or c) me being up with John so the opportunity is totally lost.

I've also been feeling really frustrated because I've typically always been the one to initiate things..so basically if I don't plan it it doesn't happen. And s.ex has honestly been THE LAST THING I want to think about when we've both been so tired lately. However, if K made a move I wouldn't resist! Plus I also realize it's necessary to make a baby (HIGHLY doubt God's going to give us an immaculate conception;)) so I've felt like everything's been inadvertently put on hold that way. NOT by choice.

(Then there's the whole "feeling close" end of it that's now lacking..)

Today I was reading my daily devotional and scanned tomorrow's, which happens to be about taking action towards God's will when we need to. I don't know if He's trying to point out this area of my life but it did get me thinking in that direction..and also wondering how other people manage to fit this important part of marriage in when dealing with obstacles like this?

18 month/family photos

2012-01-21T15:10:00.000-08:00

A resounding no

2012-01-19T06:14:00.000-08:00

I've seen others experience this and have experienced it myself: when someone's actions are aligned with God's will their paths are made smooth (relatively;)). I've found this to be true, especially when going to my old fertility clinic and through IVF before and also moving down here to Florida.

As I mentioned in my last post I'd been wrestling with the possibility of going to a fertility clinic. Because of my intermittent endometriosis pain. But I also know in my heart of hearts that going to one would be a slippery slope because I'd be tempted to go through IVF again if the doctors brought it up (which I'm sure they would, given my medical history). Well, I was in a low-feeling-sorry-for-myself place when I flew back from Seattle so I was feeling determined and anxious to set up an appointment ASAP..but then our new health insurance cards didn't arrive. For days and days. There was a mix-up with the company, which inexplicably has never happened before. During which time I started reading "One Thousand Gifts" and hearing God confirm yet again that a natural pregnancy was in our future. So when we finally did get our insurance straightened out I felt stronger spiritually and not as eager to contact the clinic. However. A few days went by and I allowed the worry to set in again..the "what if's" I've had play in my head SO MANY times before.."what if" I heard God wrong (even though He has affirmed His message about a natural pregnancy to me over and over! and has put such a peace on my heart about praying for one - a peace I never had the first time around). Time is running out! My eggs are dying! John's getting older! Our in-laws have been very sick too and I'm always thinking about them, wanting to get pregnant and be able to share this before, God forbid, anything happens..mostly this is about control; I feel utterly out-of-control this time around and it drives me crazy sometimes.

So anyway. This is the back-and-forth state I'd been in when I changed my mind again and decided to call the clinic. (And after a well-intentioned random text from a friend nudging me in that direction). I called the clinic multiple times over the past week. I finally received a call back yesterday when I was at the gym and it was evident from the message that the woman at the office hadn't listened to my voicemail and didn't seem sensitive to my situation. Which angered me. I didn't know what to do and wasn't interested in talking to God about it because I knew what He would tell me. So last night I talked to K and finally admitted to him it's clear God is not wanting us to go to this clinic (basically any fertility clinic, because the two others are literally several hours away), but then to my surprise my husband gets upset about everything and says I need to call the clinic back and explain that the way I've been treated isn't right..and demand an appointment. So I slept restlessly all last night, woke with a pounding head-ache, and when I got out of bed my son appeared at my doorway with my cell phone and of all numbers he had "accidentally" dialed the clinic. He's NEVER accidentally dialed anyone before. I took my phone from him and was ready with my "speech" but the phone went to the clinic's voicemail..of course. So I left a curt message there instead. Which I am totally not proud of!

Ironically I've been praying since then that no one calls back! Because this CLEARLY isn't God's will!! Haha.

I am embarrassed at how VERY HARD I tried to make this happen.

I am always amazed how long it takes me to turn from a rebellious to obedient child before God. And even when I think I've surrendered all, I tend to still have moments like this - moments of doubt and angst. When I know very well worry does NOT come from the Lord! When I simply rest in Him I have complete peace.

I guess I wanted to blog about this also to give me a sense of spiritual accountability. If I have this in writing and others know about it;) I hopefully will turn to God next time I feel frustrated, instead of allowing the enemy to distract me from His perfect will.

A glass half-full

2012-01-15T14:33:00.001-08:00

Thank you SO much for your great advice with my last post - I was starting to lose it! I've always wished I was one of those people who could survive on a few hours of sleep but unfortunately I'm just not..the cranky, desperate side of me really starts to come out when my zzz's are interrupted..sleeping in a college dorm room was a real challenge because of this high maintenance side of me. And that early phase of John's babyhood was as well (as INCREDIBLY wonderful!! as it was at the same time). I feel like in the Mommy patience department nights are the times I need the most work on..

John is doing much better. We have stuck to our same bedtime routine and added a side rail to his bed, lock on his door, and baby gate just outside for his safety (if he should wake in the night we don't want him wandering our house). While initially K and I felt bad and somewhat mean installing a door lock we're okay with it now because it gives us peace of mind that our son will not be able to get out of his room. Our goal is to be able remove the lock soon. After John's fallen asleep and we go to bed ourselves we unlock the door and just leave the gate up so we'll hear him in the morning. He's still waking through the night but not nearly as often now. Naps we are still working on - I admit I lay with John-John until he falls asleep; the combination of sunny daylight and a new bed are too tempting for him to stay up and play! I don't mind this though. I've been really enjoying our quiet time together..solid time with my active little guy is rare these days:)

Over the holidays my break gave me the opportunity to reflect, pray, and soak in time with people I love in Seattle. It was really nice. Aside from a few difficult moments (saving those for another blog post) I really didn't think about the things I'd been feeling sad about too much. My older (and only) sister and her family flew in from Arizona too, so along with my parents and friends we spent quite a bit of "sister" time together..shopping, going to dinner, watching movies, and laying low. And though I'd been dreading coming back to Florida when we first arrived, I surprisingly felt excited and peaceful arriving back here last weekend..there is something deeply satisfying about both sleeping in our own bed and coming back to a life that's just the four of us (including our beloved dog;)).

I just started reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. Thank you, thank you, dear friend Robin, for blogging about this Godsend of a book!! I'd heard about it before but for some reason never really flashed on it until I started seeing your wonderful posts about its truths and the spiritual impact it's had on your life. And then it suddenly seemed to be EVERYWHERE - I knew God was trying to tell me something. I am only a few chapters in so far but I am already absolutely captivated and feeling a real stirring in my soul; it so perfectly puts into words the message I feel God's been trying to impress to me: to focus on Him. And to focus on His blessings. Trust Him for everything else. How simple and yet profound.

God had been speaking to my heart before I left on my trip the first part of Luke 10:27: "..Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind" (emphasis mine)..I distinctly remember prior to Him giving me this scripture crying out in frustration and indignation during one of my lower moments, that I had been loving Him. For a very long time. So why was I in such turmoil, over our financial security, desiring a sense of belonging in Florida, and longing for my other two children He'd given me a vision of? Then He put this scripture on my heart, clear as day. It convicted me immediately, that while I was loving God with my heart I wasn't with my soul or strength or most of all, my mind..I had been doubting Him and His perfect plan. I admit despite His message about a natural pregnancy I had started to seriously consider making a fertility clinic appointment in early 2012 and had also made a point of justifying this to myself (I hadn't told anyone about my secret decision). I also couldn't help but wonder if He TRULY knew what He was doing with bringing us here to Florida. As for the financial end of things this is something K and I really wrestle with..I've been feeling for awhile now that this is the strongest rope we're holding onto in regards to fully surrendering our lives to God; K doesn't want to tithe until we pay off our debt, and I believe God is calling us to trust Him now. To tithe NOW. Even it doesn't make worldly sense to us and feels scary.

So how does this tie back to this awesome book? Because I am realizing the year 2011 was all about what I wanted and needed, etc. What I thought I deserved. But really, God has been showing me it's about total sacrifice and surrender. He has purposely brought me to a place where I can hear His voice more clearly..He has not been doing things to me; He's been doing things for me. God's word tells us He is for us all the time. Amen. He has given me SO much, honestly more than I want or need or deserve! And all He is asking of me in return is that I approach Him with Thanksgiving and trust Him completely. That's IT. What a gift!!

Ann writes in her book that when we become less inwardly focused we become outwardly focused instead, on others and their needs. We develop more of a capacity for agape love and I think this is ultimately what God is driving at with recognizing and acknowledging His blessings, in addition to realizing His true character and His overwhelming love for us. I volunteer and am involved in my church but I also selfishly hold onto my time and resources a lot as well - I could definitely be doing more, being more.

I have wasted so much precious time feeling sorry for myself over what is missing in my life, as opposed to what I have been given. Every single thing in my life is a blessing from God. I have SO much to be thankful for - to be joyful for. (I started "my list" - the book talks about writing down 1,000 gifts in my life - saving this for my next post). This "attitude of gratitude" (I know this sounds incredibly cheesy!;)) has gotten hold of my heart in a big way..it's true, as Ann so eloquently says, that one can't help but smile when they consider the little (and big!) blessings in their life..I am finding there are far more than 1,000.

In Seattle we took John's 18 month and family photos! Below are a couple of my favorites.

Toddler bed advice??

2012-01-11T07:21:00.000-08:00

I have a ton of blog posts floating around my head but this one couldn't wait-

Sunday we took the (dreaded) step of transitioning John to a toddler bed..he'd been scaling his crib for weeks and it was just making us too nervous. He's only one-and-a-half and I wanted to wait until he was at least two since I didn't think he was ready developmentally, but he's too tall. (Everything I've read says between ages two and three is ideal). We have a convertible crib so we took the side rail off and installed a toddler safety rail in its place.

Well, I'm realizing despite all my reading I wasn't prepared - each night/nap since has been a NIGHTMARE. I told K I feel like we're experiencing the newborn stage all over again (as blissful as it was, we were walking zombies barely getting any sleep!) Each night we are constantly sending John back to bed for two to three hours. Then he still wakes frequently afterwards and crawls out of bed. What's more is he won't fall asleep on his own like he always has - one of us needs to sit in his room and wait for him to nod out..I fear we are undoing his independent ability to get himself to sleep.

Naps are hit-and-miss - same as the nighttime, only difference is having been up all night and slept in later I'll sometimes try and get John to skip them (he's been down to one/day for awhile now) so he's extra-tired at bedtime. This hasn't worked so far.

Aside from the new bed we've kept John's bedtime routine exactly the same so he's not dealing with too much change.

Have any of you been through this before? I'm wondering if John-John's just too young and we need to rewind and put up a crib tent instead (K's against this - he feels it'd be like "caging" our son in)? Or do we need to stick with it and it'll get better eventually? How long has this process taken for you ladies with your little ones? And at what age did you bring in the toddler bed?

Thanks so much. I've been feeling super frustrated!

18 months old and a break

2011-12-08T11:30:00.000-08:00

Today John is 18 months old, or a year and a half. Did I really just type that?!?! It is truly unbelievable how fast time flies. I say that all the time. But it's SO true!

I used to dream of finally being a Mama, of having my arms filled with the scent and feel of a sweet little body. Shortly after I started having another dream that was specifically about John being in my arms. I KNEW I wasn't going to just be "somebody's Mama" - I was going to be HIS. No matter where life takes me I will forever be immensely grateful to God for placing us together.

These past several months have been rocky emotionally. I've been desiring a second child so strongly I admit it had started to cloud the good parts of my life. Though always feeling blessed with John I couldn't help but look at him and often feel sad, wondering about my other children..wanting him to have a sibling (or two). This past week though a few personal things happened in my life that have caused me to look at him with renewed eyes. New Mommy's eyes. I am facing each morning differently, and it is as if I am seeing each of John-John's smiles, each tear, each hug, each of our teaching moments for the very first time..my soul has been stirred and awakened more than ever before to the blessing and miracle he truly is. When John was born he was all-consuming - I couldn't get enough of him. But the months of frustration and sadness trying for a second child I had allowed the enemy to use to make me less joyful and less all-consumed with John's beauty. God has placed on my heart that He desires me (and everyone!) to live in the moment - for today - and to be peaceful and thankful for what I have. Do not worry. Let Him take on my burdens instead. I am determined to do my best with this so I can give Him the glory. Praise God that when we have a willing heart He truly does "make all things new." (Rev. 21:5) Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me:)

So, all I can really say is right now my heart is full..and in the spirit of soaking in God's blessings and mercy during the Christmas season and this season of my life, I am taking a break from social media - my blog and Facebook. I am still feeling emotionally vulnerable and I am trying to lean into God and allow Him to mold and strengthen me. I've found I've often been unconsciously avoiding the Internet anyway, and it's helped me to focus more on His voice.

But John-John has reached a HUGE milestone today! And I want to celebrate that first:)

At 18 months old John is:
-wearing size 5 diapers
-sleeping 11-12 hours/night and 1-2 hours/day
-attempting to read and talk (his toddler gibber-gabber is SO cute)
-smiling with eight (going on nine!) teeth (four on top and bottom and one coming in on top)
-wearing 24 month clothing and size 7 shoes (he is a big boy!! still 100th percentile in height)
-walking and running, bursting with curiosity and spunk..observing EVERYTHING but not quite talking;)
-loving any opportunity to interact with other kids during trips to the park, storytime, church, and now MOPS gatherings
-understanding rules and boundaries pretty well - he tests his limits daily but does seem to "get it" much of the time, which makes my life easier!
-um, downright hilarious..ok, so I am definitely a little biased, but this kid does the funniest things! My favorites lately are when he puts on his 3D glasses and "poses" with a serious face. Which quickly gives way to one big smile. And, he just started doing a "booty shake"..we had Glee on the other night and he stood with his back to me and K in front of the speakers and started bouncing his little butt up and down to the music. My hubby says he got his Filipino rhythm and dancing genes (thankfully, haha! I have two left feet in the dancing department)..

Here is a recent pic of my little man and me. Merry Christmas and Happiest New Year to you all. My "grown-up" Christmas wish list this year is that for all the Mamas waiting, 2012 will be YOUR year..the year you meet the sweet child (or children) God has planned for your life.

Clinging to God by a thread

2011-12-01T07:37:00.000-08:00

I am more emotionally fragile these days than ever before. Perhaps because I'm away from home, perhaps because it's the holidays, perhaps because it's now been over a year of trying to conceive a second child and it seems more friends and family than ever are pregnant..I dunno. I had a great conversation with my sister the day before yesterday and she encouraged me to keep believing and trusting in God and His perfect plan. Even though we don't talk as often or as intimately as I'd like, she is a powerful sister in Christ and on Earth. It was good to talk to her.

But then I plummeted yesterday. I thought I was doing okay; I had some of God's peace restored to my heart. I received a pix message from my friend of her baby girl and a phone call afterwards from my other friend who had announced via text last week that she was pregnant with her second child. It was all very reminiscent of what initially sent me "over the edge". She proceeded to tell me all about her pregnancy and that she was on her way to Babies.R.Us with a friend who was also newly pregnant to pick out baby things. Honestly I did feel it was a bit insensitive of her, given that she knows everything I have gone through and am going through now. I told my husband after her text and phone call that I know people might not want me to feel "left out" but seriously, at least right now, leave me out! I would've learned the news on Face.book soon enough anyway. I did my best to keep it together on the call..thank goodness for the distance of cell phones so she couldn't hear my silent tears.

But. Putting myself in her shoes I think she's probably just been excited to share her happiness with everyone, including me. She has no idea how vulnerable I am right now so it isn't fair of me to put that kind of expectation on her. And, I am genuinely happy for her.

I have this devotional called "Streams.in.the.Desert" and thought I'd share today's message of a dream a woman had. It shows awesome spiritual perspective, one I'm adding to the thread I am clinging to God with right now:

"In her dream, she was walking along a highway with a large crowd of people, all of whom seemed very tired and burdened. The people were all carrying little black bundles, and she noticed that more bundles were being dropped along the way by numerous repulsive-looking creatures that seemed quite demonic in nature. As the bundles were dropped, the people stooped down to pick them up and carry them.

Like everyone else in the dream, she also carried her needless load, being weighted down with the devil's bundles. After a while, she looked up and saw a Man whose face was loving and bright as He moved through the crowd, comforting people. Finally He came to her, and she realized it was her Savior. She looked at Him, telling Him how tired she was, and He smiled sadly and said, 'My dear child, these bundles you carry are not from me, and you have no need of them. They are the devil's burdens, and they are wearing out your life. You need to drop them and simply refuse to touch them with even one of your fingers. Then you will find your path easy, and you will feel as if 'I carried you on eagles' wings.' (Ex. 19:4)

The Savior touched her hand, and peace and joy quickly filled her soul. As she saw herself in her dream casting her burdens to the ground and ready to throw herself at His feet in joyful thanksgiving, she suddenly awoke, finding that all her worries were gone."

Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-30T19:13:00.000-08:00

Dear children of mine

2011-11-29T18:26:00.000-08:00

No matter what happens in your lives I want you to always remember this: Mommy and Daddy love you.

Years ago, when I first met your Daddy, we talked about having you. We dreamed of your little faces - who you would look like, what your personalities would be like. How we would raise you. But most of all because of the deep love we had for each other we dreamed of how very much we would love you.

Back then you were each simply a dream on our hearts. But God gave us incredible love journeys to bring each one of you into our lives, and to see our dreams of you become reality. The journeys were often difficult but we wouldn't trade them for the world because they led us to you. We learned a lot about our dreams while we were waiting to meet you - that they would require longer journeys than we ever imagined they would, and that they would be the ultimate test in enduring and trusting God with our most precious endeavors. Our dreams would require medical procedures and testing, injections and physical pain, emotional trials and financial sacrifices. They would require waiting. You would teach us lessons in true love and continuously ask us to examine what we were willing to go through to have you in our lives. The answer? Everything, of course.

Our precious firstborn, John Atwater, you were our first dream. God told me I would have you before you arrived, and He also gave me a vision of your beautiful soul that I clung to throughout the just over three years it took to finally meet you. I continuously felt you near me in my dreams. Blessed John-John, you were imprinted on my heart for so long. You are our miracle baby created through a miracle procedure called IVF, a gift from God to help couples have children. I remember being happy yet sad after dreaming of you, wondering just how long it would take to meet you. Wondering how we would meet. Longing to hold you at last. Then when I found out I was pregnant with you I cried tears of joy. Every day on my way to work I would praise God for you. I would thank Him over and over again for allowing me the honor of being your Mother, and vow that I would do my best to live up to the title. I had the privilege of having you physically near my heart for nine months and my dream was almost a reality. Each movement, each ultrasound, each time I heard your heartbeat on the monitor I fell more in love with you, my first beloved dream. I was excited for every doctor appointment. Then the day finally arrived when you and I met face-to-face, June 8, 2010, and the love that had been building in my heart bubbled over. As much as I loved you already, it was incomparable to the love I felt for you that day and each day since. You are more than a dream or a reality, John, you are life itself. I did not know what it was to live until I looked into your eyes.

My second and third children, you are also precious dreams. When your brother was four months old I started dreaming of meeting each of you. Five months later God gave me an insight that you would come into our lives, and a dream followed of a "boy" soul and "girl" soul near me. I wanted nothing more than to draw you each to me but God told me the timing wasn't right yet. Just like with John I didn't want to wait though - I selfishly wanted you with me as soon as I had that dream. But Almighty God always knows what's best, and for now I am content to let you play with Jesus until I can have you on this Earth to hold and to mother. It is difficult to wait but I know if I hadn't waited for John to arrive at the perfect time we wouldn't have him in our lives. Your Daddy and I desperately want you both specifically - you are worth waiting for. But you remain our dreams, for now. Once again God is blessing us with the experience of learning what true love is in the meantime. I can hardly wait though to rediscover what it means to live when God gives us the privilege of holding you in our arms, at last.

Always remember this: Mommy and Daddy love you. Once simply a dream on our hearts, you have become life itself. Our incredible love journeys towards each one of you taught us this.

Raw and reeling

2011-11-27T18:52:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, my friend who was pregnant with her second child naturally - whom I mentioned in my last post - gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. For selfish reasons I took a break from Facebook earlier in the week because the recent pregnancy and birth announcements had started to overwhelm me, so I received her news via text. My brother-in-law and his family were here at our house and as I read her text my eyes filled with tears that I attempted to hide..what should have been simply joyous news sent me into an emotional tailspin. For two reasons: of course of my envy over her natural second pregnancy and now the birth of her daughter, close in age to her son who's my son's same age, but also grief over the loss of this one friend I've had to turn to throughout this past year of trying to get pregnant. I had to excuse myself to cry in our closet throughout that day and also the next - Thanksgiving - when I cruelly also received my period.

And then. Friday morning I received another text, this time from a close friend of mine showing a picture of her little girl with a t-shirt on it announcing she is going to be a "big sister." Following which was a link to her Facebook family announcement video on Thanksgiving; I just now worked up the courage to finally watch it. It was adorable and wonderful of course, but I now sit with a huge lump in my throat. She and her husband had been trying for three months to conceive. Three.

Honestly I am one giant mess. I am near tears constantly. I feel God near me but I haven't wanted to talk to Him. Our family was sick today (bad colds and John-John has an infection) so it was easy to skip church. I know God's character so I'm aware He doesn't "kick me" when I'm down but I just can't help but feel that way..after all, I'd purposely tried to protect my heart lately because I've been feeling so vulnerable and fragile, but I couldn't escape text messages. And WHY in the middle of them did God choose to give me my monthly cycle?!?!

I really appreciate every. single. comment. I received on my last post. I read and re-read them all..the love and encouraging messages are incredibly heartwarming.

I think I am having such a hard time right now because of a) the fact that I was positive we had "tried" on all the right days this past month, and b) the reality of this situation seems to be FINALLY hitting me. It feels awful to realize I am once again infertile and helpless to do anything about it. I don't know why this didn't hit me before..I guess I was in denial, perhaps because a full year hadn't passed. Since "normal" couples conceive in a year or less.

I find myself dreading our trip home next month. Last time we went home in August, I had to be around three women who were pregnant (they were all at social obigations I couldn't decline), and I admit I cried afterwards each time. This time, once again, there are going to be three different pregnant ladies I have to be around. During the holidays. On top of my sister-in-law giving birth to her baby boy just before we arrive (she also got pregnant naturally). I was certain we'd be pregnant this trip home. We do have a cruise beforehand - our first one ever - that I plan to try and forget everything on and just enjoy the time with my husband, since the cruise has free childcare. I can't wait for that.

I was extremely thankful for my son this Thanksgiving. However sad I am my heart is always full because of him. John-John is perfect and my sister-in-law told me when she saw us together that I am "such a loving Mom." I realized I am because of everything I went through - I really, truly appreciate every single moment with my precious child. I see every day through our struggles past and present how very much of a miracle baby he is. Blessed doesn't begin to describe the emotions I feel looking at him..I know I am undeserving to be his Mother and I am just so grateful for my baby boy.

Full of anger

2011-11-20T13:22:00.000-08:00

This is one of those posts I've started and stopped a few times. Mostly because I'm mindful of people reading this and always wary of offending. But I realized this is my personal blog and here to document my life, both the good and the bad.

I'm SO angry.

I'm angry that my father-in-law's not getting better. He's had a terrible infection for months now and doctors are no closer to eradicating it. We've been praying and praying and hoping and hoping. This past week his doctors were supposedly going to change his treatment plan but ended up putting him back on the same medicine. K flew there Thursday and gets home tomorrow. It's killing me that we had to move away THIS YEAR when my in-laws need us during this health crisis, especially not knowing if my father-in-law will survive his illness. Moving away could turn into one big regret for K and I. We lived so close-by before.

I'm angry that the spiritual support/moral support I've had (aside from everyone on here who I love and who are great) has abandoned me. That saying, "When the going gets tough.." I have had to learn the hard way. I have NO ONE to talk to, aside from my husband, when everything isn't perfect in my world. You know it's really true when you move away you learn who your true friends are. For me it's also been learning who my true family are. I've had friends and family alike walk away. The occasional e-mail, text, or voicemail I've sent in my "down" moments have gone unanswered. Every.single.one. It makes me resentful because I have been told one of my gifts is I'm a good listener, and I am 100% there for these ladies with everything they go through - I am the person they call and cry to, and I offer emotional support and advice as best I can. Many of them have said they consider us "so close," but this doesn't go both ways - they don't want to hear about my problems or my feelings, just use me as a space to air theirs. When I was going through infertility and IVF the first time I would cry to my husband about this. I never received a single phone call or e-mail asking how I was feeling, how my treatments were going, etc. and everyone knew about it all - I am an open book. It's especially hurtful to see the women in my immediate family behave this way. If nothing else it would be nice to be able to count on them. People outside the infertile world, even if you have nothing to say to someone going through infertility, a random phone call or e-mail does help! Trust me on this!! We desperately NEED your love and support. Reaching out is so much better than not reaching out. Ironically the one friend I've had IRL to talk to the past several months about this is my age and pregnant with her second child naturally, and about to give birth any day. She says things won't change but I know they will..I already am grieving the loss of her friendship.

I'm angry that there is NO ONE IRL who has walked in my same shoes. No one. Everyone in my life is either fertile or has had other kinds of difficulties (which I do sympathize with - especially miscarriage, as I know those are devastating).

I'm angry that God put us way out here, away from everything we have known, and I faithfully obeyed but He has not blessed me for it. I know that sounds awful. But as happy as I am on the surface and as much as we've filled our schedule up here I haven't truly connected with anyone yet and that's so hard. Despite the warm weather Florida still feels "cold" and like far from home. I have tried, and I have prayed about this. I make every effort not to isolate ourselves and to connect with people regularly. We go to library storytimes and are involved with our church and two small groups and go to the gym. We go on social outings when we can. I have approached other Mommies just to chat and brought up the idea of playdates..just to be rejected. Once was last week at the playground. I'm not a super outgoing type so it takes courage for me to do this. When John was in swim lessons there were two Mommies there with boys his same age and they used to openly discuss playdates without inviting me, the ONLY other Mommy at the lesson. A couple times they did sort-of invite John and me but then flaked. One sent me a random text after lessons ended but flaked again, and I'm not the sort of person to push for a friendship if someone obviously isn't interested. To add insult to injury I'm Facebook friends with both (oh, the irony) and one just announced her second pregnancy.

Most of all, I'm extremely, close-to-tears-all-the-time angry about my infertility this time. I wasn't crazy enough to really believe I'd be "cured" after having John, but I also didn't expect to have to struggle again to the same emotional extent. As naive as that sounds. I thought there'd be some kind of clear road to our second pregnancy and we would follow it. Instead, I feel like I've been placed in the wilderness where I'm literally alone, where supposedly we're going to get pregnant naturally at some point but it's been 13 months and we're no closer to it. To add insult to injury it was incredible the first time around witnessing all the first-time pregnancies around me, but it is truly jaw-dropping to me just how many people God has placed in my life that I see getting pregnant this second time, naturally. What I dread most is watching these same people get pregnant with their third, fourth children..while we're still waiting for our second child. (This has happened). Yesterday was my hardest day. The first two weeks of this month K and I tried every day, and every other day a few days after the middle of my cycle. In other words it was a lot..and I was certain we'd hit the mark. In fact I'm sure we did but God I guess has other plans. Anyway. So night before last I was crying and asking for God's presence, feeling just weak and sad, and fell asleep feeling somewhat at peace, just to be awoken a few hours later with nightmares. Nightmares that continued the rest of the night. I didn't sleep. Then John woke up early and yesterday continued to be "one of those days" where literally EVERYTHING goes wrong. It culminated with the beginning of cramps last night, and then last night was exactly the same as the night before! I was sobbing last night but never felt God's presence..and I begged Him for it. I felt betrayed by God, that He'd abandoned me at my lowest point and that He'd given me cramps to "top off" my "wonderful" day. This morning we were scheduled to serve in the church nursery so we did, but then skipped church and small group afterwards. I decided I need a break from God. I just feel empty inside and sick about things. I am strongly tempted to make an appointment with the fertility clinic this week.

I'm angry that I'm a simple person and ALL I've wanted since I met K was to get married and have a family with him. I've never cared about the surface stuff, the money, the material things, career..JUST BEING A MOMMY. I'm angry that God knew infertility is the one thing that could hurt me the most, and it feels like for that reason He made it difficult for me to conceive.

For whoever's reading this you know I love my child immensely and that my feelings don't mean I love John-John any less or feel any less blessed by him..I would just like to complete our family. I like the idea of having kids close in age. My sister and I are several years apart and just a few years ago started to actually form a relationship. She despised me growing up. And I had surrendered the idea of four kids when we first started experiencing difficulty conceiving a few years ago, so after two children we'd be finished with our family.

This is an ugly side of me and one I'm not proud of but it is my truth right now.

Why we are trying naturally this time around

2011-11-05T18:41:00.000-07:00

For those who have followed my story from the beginning, I realize it must seem incredibly strange to be trying naturally for our second child when we have so many odds stacked against us, and were told prior to our IVF that gave us John that we would not be able to conceive naturally.

Incredibly strange.

Though I am an optimist (for the most part:)) I am practical too. So I want to share that this is God's choice, as it definitely would not be my first choice for expanding my family; with everything I know about my fertility I would be perfectly willing to go through IVF again (though I admit it was taxing both emotionally and physically).

I know this must sound a little crazy;) so I'll explain what I mean by God's choice: I can count the number of times on one hand - three times - that He has given me clear words at turning points in my life. This happens to be one of them:

In my first year of college I was going down a bad path and was praying fervently one night about everything - guidance for the emotionally and physically violent relationship I was in, and guidance for the pattern of destructive partying I was in (I was part of a sorority, which shall remain nameless:)..I DO NOT blame them at all for the position I was in at the time; there were good aspects of the group but it was the choices I willingly made that were hurtful and shameful for me). So I remember I prayed nearly all night and finally fell asleep, inexplicably feeling at peace. Out of a sound sleep I suddenly awoke a few hours later to a voice that seemed to be right near my ear, telling me to break up with my boyfriend and quit the sorority. I was astonished but surprisingly felt God's very heavenly peace upon me still. I did both of those things that day with the Lord's strength convicting me with each decision. They were incredibly difficult and the next few months were even more so. But my life became so much richer and healthier after that. I ended up leaving that college after my first year (but got my degree - this is a whole other story:)), becoming more involved with church and campus small groups, and the best part of all: found my wonderful K who would later become my husband. I had been praying for my soulmate for a long time and K was (and is!) truly a Godsend.

The second time I heard God's voice clear as day was when we were trying for John. We'd been trying for about a year, and I remember I was showering (and crying) when I heard God say to me, "You will have a child." I couldn't believe it. I remember asking the particulars: how? when? when??:) But of course God doesn't work that way (at least not with me - I never get my "how" and "when" questions answered, ha!); it seemed He simply wanted to give me this assurance to comfort me and give me hope. And it did encourage me and give me incredible hope. Months later He would guide me towards our fertility clinic and through IVF..there were little things along the way that confirmed this was His chosen path for us. And now we have our sweet John-John. Our son is a blessing in every way, and is the child God spoke of that night. I had many dreams over those years about "a little boy" soul near me..

The third time was this past March. I wasn't praying anything specific about expanding our family, just having some quiet time alone with God, and thinking about having more children. Wondering once again about the "when's" and the "how's"..even the "if's". Up until this point I had been preparing myself for another IVF when the timing was right. Well, God placed it on my heart that day that this time around would involve a natural conception. I was hopeful and excited but also fearful because it meant I would have zero control. Not that I had control over if we became pregnant through IVF before or not, but I at least felt like I did because I was taking actions outside of trying naturally. The months since then have really been an emotional rollercoaster because I know what doctors have told me about my body..That it is broken. That I don't have many eggs and the ones I have are poor quality. That if by a miracle I were to become pregnant there is a high likelihood I would miscarry (I went to a high risk clinic throughout my pregnancy with John and gave myself daily injections in the stomach to eliminate the chances of miscarrying). That I have scar tissue covering nearly all of my uterus. That the bottom line is, I CANNOT conceive naturally. So this period of my life has been a day-in-day-out willful act to maintain my faith, and a struggle to completely lay God's promise - and my many doubts - at Jesus's feet and TRUST HIS PERFECT PLAN. I have been just beginning to do this better lately, but I admit it's very difficult each time I get my period. I cry. I get frustrated that I know "what I know" and feel foolish for trying naturally. I am tempted all the time to make an appointment with the local fertility clinic. Yet, I've felt very strong spiritual resistance when I attempted to do this one time - I know this is not God's plan..Yet, I have a friend who unknowingly had my husband and I placed on her heart to pray for a natural conception for us four months ago, and she is someone who was a distant friend that I was not close to then. I hadn't told her about God's promise or our struggles. When she contacted me and told me about her prayers I cried. I was in awe and her revelation confirmed God's words to me and encouraged me. So she has been an awesome prayer warrior. In other ways God has affirmed His promise as well. But I can't say this part of our journey has been at all easy. I have so many days of doubt, so many days of sadness. I don't know when we will become pregnant. It could be years and years from now. There could be lots of struggles between now and then. I just don't know? But I have been asked to trust God and believe His promise so I am doing my best to do that.

So this is my story, so far.

Halloween 2011

2011-11-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

I really appreciate all the awesome words of support with my last post. Whew, it felt good to "get it all out there"..Those things had been on my heart for quite awhile! Now I feel free to be 100% honest:)

Well, it is really hard to believe we had a brand-new four-month-old baby last Halloween, who had no idea what was going on or what this crazy holiday was about, and this year..we have a nearly 1 1/2 year old who toddled around the pumpkin patch, gobbled up candy, and thoroughly enjoyed trick-or-treating! Unbelievable. Last year we dressed John-John in a simple "my first.." onesie, and this year he was our little monkey.

Below is our pic from last year, and a handful from this year;)

I've lost the ability to blog

2011-10-22T18:05:00.001-07:00

Haha, not really;) But sometimes it feels that way.

This probably makes no sense. Sometimes I just feel kinda lost on here when I go to type a new post, so I often delete them and simply read others' blogs instead. (Which, by the way, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE, much more than blogging myself!:)) I have been busy with John since he came into my life, but also feeling confused about my infertile feelings/guilty for having them when other women are struggling with much deeper pain/frustration with often not knowing how to begin to put my emotions into words..this is all largely why I've been MIA from my blog a lot since John was born. I feel caught in a strange world between fertiles/infertiles now..being a mother, I can't quite categorize myself as infertile, and I feel funny saying I am sad/anxious/depressed about TTC #2 when I know how I feel is different from TTC#1, but I don't relate to most of the fellow mommies I encounter either - mostly IRL - who followed the enviable route of deciding to start a family and voila! finding themselves pregnant, and joyously anticipating their next child.

On a side note, though no one in my family has experienced infertility, I felt comfortable sharing with a few family members and a couple treasured friends most everything I was going through before to conceive John-John. All the crazy up-and-down feelings these particular loved ones usually listened to with a sympathetic ear. But I also remember that after my son was born that completely changed..I remember having a conversation with my Mom and telling her that "all my feelings" weren't fixed/didn't dissappear because we had John, and she looked genuinely shocked when I said that. I tried to explain to her further how I felt, not only about him and the journey we'd been on to have him but also about trying to expand our family in the future, but I could see in her eyes I had genuinely lost her at that point. I think she - like many people I've encountered - kind-of just didn't want to hear it. And that's okay - I can't expect everyone to want to understand or listen to what I've been through/am going through. Those people wanted me to simply be happy and feel blessed with having John. Which absolutely, I do!!! There is no question how grateful I feel waking each day knowing I get to spend it with him and be his Mommy - that God entrusted his precious life to me. But at the same time it is frustrating to feel more alone with sharing this time around IRL, even though SO MANY of my feelings are very similar to the ones I had TTC the first time, just to a lesser extent..those precious few confidantes seem to have abandoned me in that regard (NOT AT ALL to garner sympathy - I know I am blessed and very loved! This makes me that much more grateful to have wonderful friends on here;))

So I guess I don't know what I am anymore? An infertile (apparently, since we've been trying a year and haven't been able to conceive #2) who also happens to be a Mom? I just don't know.

I don't know what to say..so I just don't blog.

The other thing is, I used to routinely have a tidal wave of sadness and so writing on here was theraupeutic for me. I can't honestly say I feel that as all-consumingly (is this a word?:)) anymore, and I know this is due to John-John's birth and it is a blessing that my desire to mother has been fulfilled. My days are partly filled with my baby boy, and partly with pangs of frustration/sadness about my current infertile state.

Well I wish I could tie this post up with a bow and say I've come to some conclusion about all of this, but I haven't..so I guess I'm just over-sharing for now:)

Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-19T09:38:00.001-07:00

At the alligator farm last week. John had a blast!

Better

2011-10-07T13:01:00.001-07:00

Thank you, ladies, for your sweet, supportive comments:)

I am feeling better. I think occasional blues are something I'm just going to struggle with from time to time, and I've realized that's okay. I think it's okay to be sad once in awhile. And I think with the changes in my life this past year it's even normal to not be happy all the time. Who's happy all the time, anyway?;)

My sister and niece are in town for the week. I was SO excited picking them up from the aiport yesterday! We've been having a blast together so far..they are a little piece of home. We head to Disneyworld today - can't wait.

Battling the blues

2011-09-27T08:10:00.000-07:00

I have a confession: I've been sad. For awhile now.

I'm not sure what exactly catapulted me here, but there are a number of things I've been feeling helpless about: my fertility issues (if we will be able to have another child/ren? if we do, when that will be? we've now been "trying" a full year), our financial situation (not great), and then loneliness/homesickness for our life back in Seattle. I miss our family, our friends. I miss our home. I miss simple things like getting coffee and going to the dog park on the weekends, and winding up at one of our parents' homes for dinner later on. The area we're living in now seems to have never heard of coffee shops (from what I can tell Florida's not really a coffee culture), and dog parks are non-existent. Even if they had them our dog would be so stinkin' hot in the still 80/90 degree weather..he's very furry. I even miss our old home. It had such a cozy feel to it and our rental here just feels..cold. It's all hard surfaces and dark tones. No carpeting, no fireplace. And because it's a rental we can't decorate much - our old home had our personal touch on it.

I feel so lost a lot of times. I know I'm a wife and mother on the surface but beyond that..??

I find myself taking my sadness out a lot on K, which I know is unfair to him. I get up in the mornings and am pretty optimistic about the day, and then early afternoon the sadness hits and by evening I am just really down again. Sundays are my favorite day because we get to go to church in the morning and have small groups afterwards.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Why do I have to constantly work to keep myself happy? I am "down" almost as soon as I'm "up." I feel bipolar:) I know I am blessed beyond measure. I pray daily, I spend time in God's Word daily, and I do take all the opportunities I have to get out and talk to other people, and interact with other Christians. But I still wrestle with this funk always, and feeling just kind-of hopeless and helpless at times. It's gotten worse lately. I've been fighting the sadness for a long time but it's looming again.

John-John, however sad I may be, is always joy though. I call him "joy in a little package"..he brightens up my darkest moments. He's just magic - I have no idea how he does it. Haha. Here's a recent pic of him:

Rollercoaster of pain

2011-09-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

Ugh, I am so, so, so very tired of this recurrent ear pain.

It's not going away. I thought for sure this time I had it taken care of once and for all when doctors finally discovered I had mastoiditis and treated it. But now it's been another week and last night the pain came back again. It's stuck around all day today. This has been the pattern since the beginning of August - a week or two goes by with no pain, and then it returns.

I am tired of seeing doctors and taking medications and I just feel completely helpless with whatever's going on with my body. I've never had persistent pain like this before. Plus, my doctor sent me for a CAT scan this last time and they just found the mastoiditis so I feel if I go back again they won't find anything, other than maybe another ear infection, which I now know this is definitely not. It sounds awful but at this point I would be happy to receive any type of concrete diagnosis - even if it's something serious! - just so I can move away from the pain and on with my life. I know it's only been a couple months - I feel I could tolerate this longer if I was somehow making progress towards better health.

I am just so frustrated..

A burdened heart

2011-09-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

This community has been tugging at me a lot lately..I just feel like everyone is going through so much right now; it seems many of you have heavy hearts. Anxious hearts. Burdened hearts.

If you don't know me in real life or have not figured this out from my blog, I am a mushy person. This is to my own detriment - I think I get on peoples' nerves a lot of times:) I wear my heart on my sleeve and often "over-share," and I think I am often too nosy with loved ones' lives (hoping this doesn't turn any of you off to my blog!) I also find myself saying "I love you" a lot on my little space here. As I am typing those words I always realize they are silly - I know I've never met you guys in real life. But I feel close to you..I've felt honored to be able to share with you my innermost thoughts and feelings along this journey of mine these past few years, and I've felt even more honored to have a glimpse into your personal lives as well. I literally would not have "made it" through everything I have without you guys, a community of friends. As sappy as that sounds. I've been encouraged by your words, support, and prayers. And your experiences. So when I see your posts of heart-ache, a part of me honestly grieves with you.

Without question, life can be tough. Day by day, I find myself having to surrender my burdens to Jesus, sometimes simply to make it through that particular moment. I often don't do this though..I often rebel. I have days when the last thing I want to do is go to God with all my "stuff" - I feel ashamed of myself, having tried to go about life my own way. When I am prodded enough I may turn around and grasp His hand once again. Maybe.

So anyway:) Certain verses have been on my mind and I just want to share them on here, in hopes that I can in some small way help spread God's love and peace to you, no matter what road you're on or what you may be facing right now.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Phil. 4:6)

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jer. 29:11)

"You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you..Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow and the Lord will be with you." (2 Chron. 20:17)

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you." (1 Pet. 5:7)

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him." (1 Cor. 2:9)

I pray you are encouraged and your heart feels a little lighter today.

Health updates

2011-09-14T19:42:00.001-07:00

Thank you ladies for your comments - you're always so compassionate. I heart you all!:)

After my doctor's appointment and treatment on strong antiobiotics and steroids I am now 100%. No, 110%! With the way I'd been, feeling this good again just didn't seem possible - I am extremely grateful.

On the other hand, my father-in-law is not doing too well. We were anticipating him finally being released from the hospital this week (he's been in nearly a month), but he's still having quite a bit of internal bleeding so it's up in the air right now. His name is Syd. Please add him to your prayer list if you feel led..thanks so much. I will make sure to post updates about his progress.

Mastoiditis

2011-09-05T08:49:00.000-07:00

This week has been a long one. A VERY long one.

Actually, the month was long too, because it took awhile to find out I had a potentially serious health issue.

Right before we flew to Seattle at the beginning of August I awoke to searing pain in my right ear. I wasn't able to get back to sleep and was feeling sorry for myself because we had to fly out that same day. Assuming it was an ear infection, I planned to go to a walk-in clinic that morning (we haven't found a family doctor here yet) but then, oddly enough, the pain just dissappeared, so I didn't end up going in.

Then the same thing happened again one week later.

A couple of weeks go by until this past Monday night, when all of a sudden at 3 a.m. again the pain's back WITH A VENGEANCE. The pain was so intense it brought me to tears. I anxiously waited for the walk-in clinic to open that morning and went right in, leaving with an ear infection diagnosis, antibiotics, and an order to take over-the-counter pain meds for the pain, which I wasn't thrilled about. So I do this but by Wednesday evening the pain had progressed so terribly that I told my hubby I was taking myself to the ER because something wasn't right. The ER doctor confirmed the ear infection and noted simply that it was "really bad" - apparently my ear canal was nearly completely closed up. He sends me home with stronger antibiotics and prescription pain meds. I'm hoping this is the final solution! But then another day goes by and Thursday morning at 3 a.m. again I awake to pulsating, knives-in-my-ear pain yet again. I woke my husband up sobbing and rocking back-and-forth..he convinces me to double up on pain meds and says he'll take me back to the doctor's the next day if my condition doesn't improve.

It doesn't, and I find myself back at the doctor's again that afternoon. In addition to the ear pain I've had a fever, vertigo, nausea, and dizziness. This time the doctor takes a better look at my ear and says it's really red and swollen (I could've told him that!;)) and that he thinks I probably have mastoiditis, an infection of the skull (bone). This can occur when an infection spreads from the ear, which would explain the intense, radiating pain both inside and outside my right ear. Mastoiditis can be very serious because it can keep spreading if not treated, to the brain, worst case scenario. So they sent me for a CT scan this past Saturday morning and confirmed I did have it, so I was admitted to the hospital immediately. The treatment was ivs with antibiotics every eight hours. I finally didn't feel too bad late that night and convinced the hospital to release me, so I'm now back home, on the pill form of the antibiotic, with ear drops and strong pain meds, and an order from the doctor to see an ENT for follow-up in one week.

It is unnerving because they can't confirm until then where this infection is at; all I have to go off of is how I feel. Yesterday was a pretty decent day, but today I woke up with lots of pain again. I was frustrated with the hospital because the doctor there didn't have any answers for me..I would like to know for a fact that this infection is on its way to vanishing completely, and to also have an idea of what to do the next time the pain comes on. Given the potential seriousness of mastoiditis (people used to die from it not too long ago) I don't want to waste time the way I did this past month..On top of feeling helpless and frustrated with the pain my poor hubby had to take work off and care for John-John the majority of this past week because I was physically incapable of doing so, which was a creepy feeling as a Mama..

Anyway, so that was our week! If I learned anything from my experience I would say it's LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. Don't let doctors give you the easiest diagnosis and send you on your way - if you feel something is wrong, push to get answers!

I felt so bad because my father-in-law's been in the hospital the past week and a half for a much more serious condition - after several bouts of pneumonia these past three years he was finally diagnosed with Wegener's granulomatosis with polyangiitis, which is an inflammation of the blood vessels that will require long-term immunosuppression treatment. He'd been admitted to the hospital after having lots of blood in his fluids recently..now we're waiting to hear if he has any organ damage and what his long-term treatment will look like, depending on the level of this disease he has (a few decades ago the prognosis was dire - people were given one year to live). So we are hoping and praying for him and I hated to be dealing with my very treatable problem when he has been going through so, so much..

Hope your holiday weekends were enjoyable - I hear it was decent weather in other parts of the country!

Infertility: 10 things I think but don't say

2011-08-23T11:37:00.000-07:00

1) Infertility SUCKS. Whether a woman's waited months or years, is in treatment/looking into surrogacy/adoptive options or trying naturally (or is on a break temporarily or completely), whether it's primary or secondary, infertility's just plain awful and can be so devastating.

2) It was surprising to me to learn that while SO MANY women have experienced/are experiencing infertility, there's SO LITTLE awareness out there. People I've talked to IRL often haven't heard of it or don't know much about it, much less that it's a horrible disease.

3) Along with increased awareness I wish there was more sympathy/compassion "from the outside" for people dealing with infertility. I feel like it's often brushed aside or met with insensitive comments.

4) Infertility's never far from my mind. It reminds me of grief - a day or two may go by when I don't think about it, but then something happens to bring it back again.

5) I expected after having John my personal thoughts/feelings about my infertility would magically "go away." They didn't. I want more children and I used to think that was why they stuck around, but I've realized it's not..it's because it stays with me - it will always be a part of me. I think about what we went through every single time I look at John and that will probably never change, and the same angers/frustrations/sadnesses often hit me without warning. Wanting more children just reemphasizes these same feelings.

6) When I read or hear about other women's stories the same question always comes to mind: Why??? Infertility's so unfair. I just want to hug women who struggle with infertility and take them out for coffee. I want to talk with them and cry with them.

7) Infertility was never a thought in my mind until..it was. I don't know if everyone's this same way, but I always expected to simply get married and have kids. Just like that. I didn't expect to struggle for each child (we originally wanted four) but then again, I've learned it's really true that God's plans are usually totally different from ours.

8) I turned 28 last week. I realize this is relatively young, but for some reason turning this particular age has made me feel slightly depressed and like my biological clock is ticking that much louder/faster..I keep going over the timeline between the time we started TTC and now having John-John, and it bums me out. I wonder about that next baby, if he/she will take that long? And if he/she will come into our lives?

9) I always considered myself a strong Christian but this infertility has honestly shaken my faith. Quite a bit. I have days of immense hope and moments I feel so incredibly blessed for all we went through because it brought us our John-John. And then I have days I have trouble hearing God's voice and I feel angry about what we went through and what we are still going through. I know at the end of the day I am blessed..I know this. But it still can be hard to trust God with my life and the plans He has for it.

10) I've been surprised how much TTC this time around mirrors my emotions the first time. God laid it on my heart a few months back that a fertility clinic is not a part of His plans for us this time, and I am grateful for His voice and direction. But I still struggle with the not knowing/waiting, and cry every time AF arrives each month. And there is more of a whirlwind of emotions now because of having John..a guilt/sadness not just for us, but also for him, along with frustration and a sense of urgency..

I'm so sorry if any of this offended anyone - that was not my intent. I just have these thoughts in my head all the time and had to finally get them out:)

Hope everyone's having a great week!

Pics of John swimming to go with post below:)

2011-08-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

A whole month??

2011-08-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

I have no idea how that much time has gone by without a new post from me..sorry I've been so MIA! I haven't been doing anything exciting at all, just living. Oh and reading new blog posts of course:)

So, the biggest thing I've got going right now is John's swim lessons. It honestly had never occurred to me to enroll him in them until we moved here and are now renting a house with a pool. Then my fears set in, especially with how mobile and active he is these days, I thought to myself, "What if he were to somehow unlock the door and toddle out onto the patio and into the pool and heaven forbid, something happened?!" I just couldn't take that chance. Plus I myself am not a good swimmer (though I do like the water) and want so much better for my son.

Well, when I started looking there weren't many options nearby for lessons at the Y, etc. And private lessons were typically out of our price range. But then I happened to stumble upon these lessons called "Infant Swimming Resource" or ISR for short: http://www.infantswim.com/. They offer (national!) private "aquatic survival lessons," not traditional swimming lessons, to children ages 6 months to 6 years.

And oh my goodness they have the been THE BEST money we've ever spent!!! K and I now have the confidence that John could keep himself afloat until help came if he ever were to fall in the water accidentally. His swim instructor has taught him to float, breathe under water and swim short distances, flip over from his tummy to his back, and vice versa. He has so much confidence in the water now. Honestly it was painful at first watching him, because he cried the whole first week and was struggling with mastering these new skills that were physically trying on him (I wanted to scoop up my baby and comfort him - so sad!) But now he's our little fish!!

Just a little more info. and then I'll get off my soapbox, haha! I am just a big believer in the importance of these lessons now and want so much for everyone in my life to put their kids in them because these skills save lives. Did you know drowning's the SECOND leading cause of death for children under 2 years old? I didn't - I had no idea. It is the silent killer - generally no sound is heard and a child can drown in mere seconds. People who may not live in hot states might think lessons like these aren't necessary, but if you think about it water is EVERYWHERE - ponds, lakes, pools, oceans, water-filled ditches, reservoirs, even toilets, bathtubs and buckets are potential drowning hazards. I personally know someone who sadly lost a child in the bathtub while he was taking a bath..the parent only stepped away for seconds to answer the door:(

Ok, so I am done now:) Other than swim lessons we've joined a church we love! and are flying home to Seattle for a week this Thursday so we're really looking forward to that. We have K's 20?! year high school reunion this weekend (my 10 year's also then but we're not going), a wedding the following day, and a baptism on Sunday. Gonna be a busy trip! But I can hardly wait, especially for John-John's grandparents to see how much he's grown. He's such a big boy now!! I'll post some pics from our trip when we return;)

Hope y'all are having a fabulous week!! Recently I know some of you have been going through IVF, getting positive pregnancy tests (yay!), raising funds for fertility treatments, trying new fertility routes, and also trying naturally, among other things. SUCH exciting stuff going on!! Just wanted to say best wishes to all of you - you are in my prayers daily - I have my little list going:) And a huge congratulations to you ladies who got your BFPs - woohoo!!!

A familiar place

2011-07-02T18:45:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make..something I've been holding onto for a few reasons: 1)I don't want to seem insensitive to other women struggling with infertility, or at all ungrateful for the enormous blessing that is my baby boy, and 2) I'm embarrassed because I should be trusting God and His perfect timing but I am having a difficult time doing that.

Against my better intentions I have found myself back here again - back in the land of infertile neuroticism. Charting. Analyzing. Dr.Googling. Obsessing. POAS'ing. Emotional rollercoaster-ing. Vowing-to-stop-the-cycle-but-then-the-next-month-repeating.

(Before I go on I just want to add that I know how it feels to long for a child so much it hurts. I remember that pain and sadness so, so well. It is a daily heart-ache. So while I'm dealing with my feelings about possibly having secondary infertility, I know it doesn't begin to compare to that. I am very grateful to be a mother and don't want to sound like I'm disregarding or minimizing in any way the desire for a child and primary infertility. I realize I have no right to complain.)

Well, I pray and I give my TTC craziness over to God on almost a daily basis but I still can't seem to think of much else these days (except of course my beautiful son and hubby and dog;)) Honestly I thought about the possibility of having a second child (or not) way back while I was in my third trimester of pregnancy, and had immense guilt about that because I knew I should be simply focusing on John and being joyful (and thankful) for his arrival. Which I definitely was. But I also was never able to completely shake the shadow of infertility from my shoulders, even while pregnant. As crazy and horrible as it sounds, I remember even feeling envious of women who found out they were pregnant while I was! I envied women who had gotten pregnant naturally and women who were pregnant with another child after having had one or more. And I thought having a child would completely change my TTC approach/obsession/fears the second time around but truthfully (aside from feeling extremely blessed and thankful to have John, so it's not the same emptiness/sadness I felt before) the obsession and fears are very similar.

From that third trimester on I have often thought about whether we would need to go through IVF again to have another child, or (hoped) we would have a miracle natural pregnancy, or would not be able to conceive at all and if John would be our only child. And then when my period finally came back a few months ago my crazy lady came back too, haha. I think all those stories of women conceiving naturally after IVF (incredible miracles!) were a big part of that.

I tell myself every month I will "just let it go" and surrender everything to God but then I end up POAS'ing and imagining every pregnancy symptom under the sun just to feel defeated at the end of the month when AF arrives yet again. And then I feel just incredibly foolish to have thought I might be pregnant once again. Part of me really wonders if this is "all for nought" - if we should just be going to a fertility clinic right now and not wasting all this precious time trying naturally? We're planning to see one at the end of the summer/early fall but I wonder sometimes if that'll be too late? Or if it already is too late - my odds were bad to begin with two years ago, before we went through IVF. And then another part of me thinks I should just be happy with John and forget about trying for another child. I've prayed before for the desire for more children to go away if it's God's will for John to be our only child..but so far the desire hasn't lessened or gone away. And then a third part of me has Mommy guilt thinking about the possibility of being pregnant and that I'm being selfish and should wait until John's older to consider getting pregnant again. (This is absolutely NO judgment on anyone who does have babies close in age by the way; I think it's absolutely wonderful having children just a few years apart - what a special gift for siblings to be given! - it's just in theory that I worry about John feeling sad or left out if I had another baby but I'm sure the reality would be quite different and perfect).

So anyway. I'm just really tired of being inside my head right now. I am in the middle of a cycle and driving myself crazy wondering/waiting/frustrating myself again. I would love to just be able to fast-forward and see the future and then maybe I could give myself a break and finally get off this roller-coaster? I hate being back in this familiar place.

1 year old on Wednesday, 6/8!!!

2011-06-26T19:44:00.000-07:00

Somehow, it happened. Seems like just yesterday I was welcoming my tiny, precious John-John into the world. And now suddenly he has turned one year old right before my very eyes, officially leaving behind babyhood and entering into toddlerhood! Honestly this past month has been a little tough for me emotionally. Not only did my little boy turn one, but he also took his first steps two days afterwards and got his first haircut four days later. To me he looks so different now - more grown-up!

I've kinda been in denial about John being a toddler. Maybe because he's my first child? Or maybe because he might be my only baby I will have..? I don't know. I am so extremely proud of him though and overwhelmingly proud to be his Mama. I couldn't be more proud of my sweet son. I love watching him learn and grow every day and I honestly wouldn't change a thing if I could! I'm just selfishly sad because I want him to need me in the same way forever. But I know we'll always have a special bond no matter what;)

So here are some pics I've been meaning to share - John's 1 year pics, birthday cake pic (I made the cake myself! I was happy it turned out because I never bake!), a swimming pic with K playing in our pool (at our rental house here in Florida), and John's overdue 11 month pics. We also got 1 year photos taken but I'm still going through those so I'll save those for a later post:

Can't fix the spacing here:p But at one year old John is:

-wearing size 4 diapers

-wearing 18 month clothing

-walking up to five steps at a time!

-eating table food on a regular basis

-enjoying having his six teeth brushed at night - two on bottom and four on top!

-independently moving around the house and everywhere we go (loves to climb and pull and push and taste and smell!) - he is our little explorer!

-going to sleep on his own, without being swaddled (took awhile to wean him of this - he still has his binkie at night but we're not worried about that yet)

-openly giving affection daily, which K and I can't get enough of - our favorites are his hugs (the absolute best!) and his open-mouthed gummy kisses out of the blue - love, love, love..

And so much more! These are the biggies I can think of.

Hope everyone's weeks are off to a great start:)

Praise Jesus!

2011-05-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

So I have a praise. Warning, it's a silly one:) But it's very personal for me and I think it's important to give credit where it's due and I owe this one to Jesus!

As most of you probably know I struggle with stage 4 endometriosis. Since I began my cycle at age 13 I've had what I considered (until experiencing labor! ha) to be one of the worst pains imagineable from this disease. I used to have to stay home from school - and later on work - from the pain. I literally couldn't get out of bed the first day, and sometimes the second, and would get woken up by the pain early in the morning, take extra strength midol and simply climb back into bed for the day. It was awful and embarrassing and I recall telling people I simply wasn't feeling well, but I'm sure because it occurred every month the women I knew probably figured it out at some point.

(I know other people have far more debillitating, crippling pain though. I don't want to disregard that pain and make it sound as though mine was "the worst"..I just know for me personally it was up there and pretty bad.)

Well, I always suspected endometriosis was the culprit but didn't have proof of this until I went through fertility testing at our clinic in 2009. Finally, finally, I had some answers to both my trouble conceiving and the pain I had had. It was a huge relief. Even more relieving was getting pregnant and not having to have that pain at all for nine months! It was SO nice!! And then I didn't get my period back for several months while breastfeeding. I'd heard that sometimes the pain can vanish completely when periods do start coming back and I'd hoped I might be one of those lucky women. So..

I now have very mild cramps and that is all!! I'm so ecstatic about this! I was nervous to get my hopes up the first time AF returned a couple of months ago but now that AF's been here three times I think it's safe to assume this is my new norm. I couldn't be happier - I was really concerned about being able to get through the pain and care for my little one during that time. Jesus answered that prayer:) Thank you, thank you Jesus for Your mercy on me! I just wanted to share..I know this might sound like a silly post but it's been on my mind so I had to blog about it. I am hoping this might give others hope for an end to their pain too.

God is good!

Not this time around

2011-05-23T06:50:00.000-07:00

Well AF made her debut yesterday, a week early. I'm okay though since we just started trying again:) Thanks so much for your encouragement, ladies!

My cycles have been five weeks apart the past two times, but with this latest one arriving after 28 days I'm hoping they are starting to become more regular. That in itself would be such a blessing because pre-IVF they were all over the place. Anywhere from two weeks to five weeks or more apart..

John and I are having a low-key Monday - it's kinda nice!

Wondering..

2011-05-20T09:38:00.000-07:00

..if I might be pregnant? I hope I'm not jinxing everything by posting about it!:) Of course I'm hoping I am. But I've learned through infertility not to get my hopes up, so I'm cautiously optimistic and trying not to think about it all the time. Ha.

I'm still a week and a half away from AF. She's been back for only the last three months due to breast-feeding, and K and I have been trying ever since. I know getting pregnant naturally is remotely possible - if not impossible at this point! - but our marriage has been on such an upswing lately and so we're really just having fun being intimate and "not not trying." I'm curious to know what my fertility is like right now, given my medical issues and history..we'll probably give it six or so months and then see an R.E.

My current symptoms are:

-fatigue
-constant hunger
-constipation (sorry - TMI, I know!)
-frequent urination, especially at night

Other than these things I feel pretty normal. I do not have:

-nausea
-cravings
-dizziness
-that frequent of urination
-tender, swollen breasts (not sure if I will have this because I'm still breast-feeding?)

I am back to driving myself crazy every month imagining if I may/may not be knocked up..If by some oddity/miracle I am, this would be the first "believable" month because I actually do have the above symptoms (as opposed to imagining them - I am a master at talking myself into just about anything). Anywho I just thought I'd share with y'all:) Will post an update when AF arrives/doesn't arrive.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-19T13:44:00.001-07:00

Oops! Just realized I'm a day late again:p Been so disorganized since we got back to Florida!

Blog comments

2011-05-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

Hi friends! This is a post about you rather than myself..I don't know if you'd noticed, but I wanted to address and apologize that many comments seem to have dissappeared from my blog and yours. I read last week that blogger was temporarily down and they were working on restoring posts/comments, but many of mine never were restored. Grrr. I feel bad because I know comments are our way of connecting with one another and we often put our hearts into the words we write!

The good news is the comment feature seems to be working now so even though some old ones were lost the new comments are now showing up.

After a hectic week of packing up the rest of our things in Seattle we are back in Florida again and finally move into our house next week - YAY!!!

Wordless Wednesday (a day late)!

2011-05-12T11:15:00.000-07:00

John had his 1 year photos taken early the other day..SO much stinkin' fun!! The shoot included mylar "1st birthday" balloons, birthday hats, and the best part - a round cake with "Happy 1st Birthday John" on it that he totally smashed and made a (contained) mess out of! I had mixed feelings about the cake initially because I'm anti-sugar when it comes to my baby (I'm making a non-sugar one for his real day), but he only consumed tiny bits of it and it was worth it in the end for the great pics our photog was able to get:)

I'm dying to see the rest of the shoot but have to wait a few more weeks.

Moving, moving, and more moving

2011-05-11T15:17:00.000-07:00

We flew back to Seattle this week to finish up our move to Florida. And as much as I'm loving being back home, I'm wishing it was just for a relaxing visit because I am a ball of stress! Each day seems to bring new challenges and this move seems neverending..

We've hired a moving service for our vehicles and have been hassling with the broker daily to secure a driver on the correct day at an affordable price (I know there are great brokers out there but why do there have to be so many slimy ones?!), we've had the cost estimate from our moving company double, and then getting everything in order to ship our dog has been a real head-ache. Not to mention all the other little details (final appointments, phone calls, packing up loose items, etc.) and our baby's not been sleeping well this time around (he doesn't seem to be adjusting to the 3-hour time difference). I'm exhausted and the week's only half over!! We fly back to Florida this Monday and move into our house one week later. We'll be busy at that point unpacking all our items that will have just arrived or be close to arriving. UGH. I'm just SO ready to be settled into our new home and focusing on life again! In the sunshine instead of the pouring rain!

Haha, what a pooey update.

I'm bummed because I missed NIAW the other week..you were all on my mind during that time, especially those of you still waiting. And the same goes for Mother's Day this past weekend:(..I know this is an especially tough time of year for infertiles and my heart goes out to you. Thinking of all of you and hoping your week's going well. ((HUGS))

Past-due Update:)

2011-04-21T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hello from sunny Florida!!! We are love, love, loving it here - the sunshine, the people, but most of all! having our little family together again! It's heaven. We are so happy. I admit I had a couple of difficult weeks where I was really missing our life back in Seattle, especially our families and close friends, and our little house that's now being rented out (having that lease signed was bittersweet). But when I think back to the lonely nights spent missing my husband all those months..there's just no comparison. This was absolutely the right choice for us.

We're currently in corporate housing - a nice apartment K's company's paying for - and next month we'll be moving into a rental house we found. It's a 3 bedroom, 2 bath with a fenced yard and a pool, in a quiet, cute little suburban neighborhood. We didn't think we'd get a pool at our price point but somehow got lucky:) I'm looking forward to living there. Too funny though, when we looked at the house there were a handful of elderly neighbors lurking around, who not so subtly were eavesdropping on us the entire time we were there. So it could definitely be an interesting experience..we'll see!

I missed posting John's 9 month and 10 month pics - he's now on his way to 11 months on May 8th!! Craziness. So here they are:

9 months on Tuesday, 3/8!

10 months on Friday, 4/8!

My baby's getting teeth! In the past few weeks his two bottom teeth have popped up and his top left one is starting to come through. I'm sad he's growing up. But I'm also loving the toothy grin he's sporting these days.

Have a beautiful week, everyone:)

We've reached a decision

2011-03-08T14:42:00.000-08:00

Because we trust God, who knows what's best for us...
Because home is where the family is, regardless of location...
Because my marriage is fragile right now and needs all the TLC we can give it...
Because our sweet baby boy - who turns 9 months old today! - grows bigger every day...
Because at age three, our loveable dog has started to have obedience issues again...
Because quality time on the weekends can't begin to make up for too much lost time...
And because ultimately my marriage and the life K and I have built together comes first...

We've decided to move to Florida.

Thank you all so, so very much for all of your wonderful words of encouragement, insight, and prayers. As I'm sure you can imagine, this wasn't an easy decision for us. There was a lot of heart-ache involved - my parents in particular are still reeling with grief. Telling our family was by far the hardest part. But K and I are at peace knowing God has a plan for us in Florida and that we are finally going to be together again. Like a physical ache I've missed my hubby so much these past several months. I feel I can finally say that - I don't have to be stoic anymore! It's such a relief.

We leave March 23rd. We'll be staying in temporary housing for two months while we look for a more permanent place to live for two to three years, and then flying back in May to pack up our house and our dog (my parents will be taking care of Cargo those two months). We're going to be renting out our house up here during the time we're in Florida. We just found a property management company we're really happy with. Can't believe we move in just a little over two weeks from now - eek!! K and I have been stressing about all we have to get done in that short timeframe, especially in terms of what we'll need for the baby. But I'm confident that somehow we'll accomplish everything;)

Btw, anyone know much about the Orlando area?? We'll be completely new to it and I'm not even sure where to get groceries from, lol. Or where the pediatricians and baby stores are..?

I might be a bit MIA from this community until our move, but you'll each continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. So happy for the post-IVF natural BFPs I've recently heard about! Noelle, Mandy, and Hannah, CONGRATS!! You ladies deserve all the happiness in the world and I can't wait to see the newest additions to your families.

Have a great week, everyone!

Sad

2011-02-14T23:10:00.000-08:00

Ugh, I'm sooo sad tonight.

What would you do? My hubby flies to Florida every week for work and I'm starting to consider moving down there. His contract for his project was just signed through 2013, so he'll be flying to Florida at least until then. I miss him so much, and every week it seems like our good-byes get harder and harder and sadder and sadder.

I'm completely torn because on the one hand, our family and friends are here and we love our home and church family. We love the area we live in. The schools are great. Everything is near perfect, except the fact that K isn't here the majority of the time. That's "my other hand"...poor K's exhausted every week from flying and putting in long hours, and there's so much he's missing here at home. Our marriage has been suffering. He misses John and is always asking about him while he's gone. I feel like I've been staying here because I'm afraid of hurting my parents, K's parents, and our friends if we leave. Mostly I think John's grandparents will be devastated about their grandson moving away. And we don't know if we can take our dog Cargo with us, which would be awful:( But I'm starting to wonder if staying here isn't fair to us...I feel like we could literally lose years together by putting other people first and not wanting to hurt their feelings. And time is so precious.

We've been praying about this since K got on this project a few months ago and it seems like God is saying to move, for multiple reasons. But it's still so hard to make that decision.

What would you do? Have any of you been in this kind of predicament before? I am at a total loss. Thanks so much...

Gas can make the belly move

2011-02-13T23:29:00.000-08:00

I'm embarrassed to post this...but I have to. Because it's kinda ridiculous and I just had to share!

So last night I'm upstairs blow-drying my hair and sitting in my robe, minding my own business and just kinda off in my own little world daydreaming, when I look down just in time to see my belly move. My first thought was, "I am losing it! That did not just happen." A belly doesn't move on non-pregnant women and I am most definitely not pregnant. So then I become intent on watching my stomach for the next few minutes. And I see the movement again, realizing my belly definitely did move! And then it proceeds to move a few more times.

At this point I'm freaking out a bit and go downstairs to inform my husband that my stomach is moving and I have no idea what it is. Maybe a parasite?? I tell him. Or...nope, don't say it, my mind tells me. I'm pregnant?! Haha, no way. I haven't even gotten my period due to breastfeeding the past eight months. A pregnancy's physically impossible. I leave the pregnant part out and just ask him to feel my stomach. Of course with my luck he doesn't feel a thing.

So then I go upstairs and feel another twitch or two, then nothing. By this point I'm obsessed, thinking we need to buy a pregnancy test on the way to our friends' house. I continue to get ready but the whole time this "moving" thing is on my mind...and the minute we get into the car I'm on my hubby's iphone, googling. Turns out, according to message boards and web sites, other ladies have had this same phenomena due to...drum roll please...gas!!! Or pregnancy at about the 20th week. Let's just say I have definite significant belly flab left over from being preggo but there is no way my stomach could be 20 weeks along. No way. Hahaha. I tell my husband with relief that this "strange movement" is indeed due to gas. Mystery solved. For a moment there I got a little carried away with the curiosity/wonder of a natural pregnancy...but for it to be discovered this way would be pretty out there!!

Anyway, just had to share about my food baby! LOL.

Baby make-out!

2011-02-11T19:01:00.000-08:00

8 months on Tuesday, 2/8! So hard to believe..

2011-02-09T18:57:00.000-08:00

(Pardon my legs and feet..it was a long day and we were too tired to take many photos:))

I am amazed that my sweet boy's already 8 months old. Where has the time gone?? It really feels like this was just yesterday:

It feels like he is growing so fast. At 8 months John is:

-wearing size 3 diapers and over 20 lbs.
-sleeping about 10 hours a night and 4 or so during the day
-scooting along on his tummy - nearly crawling! - I find this so cute:)
-saying things like "mm," "duh-duh," and "buh-buh"
-blowing raspberries with LOTS of saliva, lol
-breastfeeding morning and night but also eating lots of solids in between - his favorites are sweet potato, banana, beets, and squash
-and he just started (proudly) clapping his hands this week, which I love!

John's bedtime is the part of the day I most look forward to - it's our special time. Most nights I still rock him to sleep after we read two stories and pray together. He watches the pages turn and occasionally reaches out to touch the pictures with those chubby fingers of his. Sometimes he'll turn and just stare at me with his bright blue eyes as I read the words to him. It melts my heart. Then when we rock afterwards we just kinda soak each other in..it's hard to describe, but we gaze at one another and I just feel so connected to him. I have no idea what's going through his mind, but I am always marvelling at how blessed I am to have him as my son. He is so precious to me.

Anyway, thought it was high-time for another update on baby John:) Hope everyone's week is going well.

Full circle

2011-02-06T16:10:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone's enjoying this Super Bowl Sunday:) We had plans to go to a family member's house for the game but John-John decided to sabotage at the last minute, lol...so now Mommy's at home with baby while Daddy watches the game elsewhere (I urged K to still go so he wouldn't miss out). Hoping my Facebook buddies will keep me posted on the score!

So I've been meaning to post on how our infertility journey came full circle a couple of Sundays ago. What an awesome, awesome experience that was!!

Back in 2009 a friend invited us to Presentation Sunday, which is an annual prayer service for infertile couples that's held at a local church. I blogged about the service here: Long time, no blog! (I know...goofy blog title:)) I remember initially feeling hesitant to go and be so vulnerable with K's and my personal experience and emotions, but I also felt we had nothing to lose and that God was prompting us to go. So we did. And to say that the service was "powerful" is a vast understatement...as we knelt at the altar beside dozens of other couples facing similar challenges, we were incredibly moved and humbled. We cried and simply gave our pain over to God, allowing His peace to wash over us as person after person laid hands on us and prayed. We felt such a release and I remember leaving the church feeling joyful and hopeful for the first time in a long time. The next week I had a strange dream that I was speaking in front of the church and sharing our testimony, one that involved having gotten pregnant and having had a child.

But I tried to hold tight to the promise in that dream and the one I'd received from God in 2008, when as I stood in the shower crying out to Him He spoke these words to me: "You will have a child."

Well the other Sunday I saw that dream fully come to fruition. I asked friends to pray for us prior to sharing our testimony because I wasn't sure I'd have the courage to do it (my husband's the outgoing one in our marriage). We arrived early for the service but stood near the back, and to my surprise, when our pastor asked people to share their stories the room fell silent. All the while I could feel God gently tap-tap-tapping me on the shoulder...so K and I nervously raised our hands and told our story. And then others shared their beautiful, uplifting stories too:)

Friends, I can't tell you how amazing it felt to share with the congregation how God had worked in our lives these past three years, through His placing on my heart the minute we started trying to conceive back in 2007 the fact that we would face challenges, His words to me in the shower that day in 2008, His leading us to Presentation Sunday in 2009, His direction to visit the fertility clinic and undergo IVF later that year, and then His absolute miracle working in allowing one single embryo out of just five to survive and turn into our beautiful baby John in 2010, not to mention the fact that we had seemingly insurmountable odds with the fertility obstacles we faced...We have been blessed immeasurably and undeservingly with our sweet boy and it was just awesome to be able to give the glory of everything we've gone through back to God. I saw tears and smiles in the audience afterwards...my words were completely imperfect and often awkwardly put, but I hope they helped bring some small measure of comfort to the couples who were there that day.

I love Presentation Sunday. I am so happy my pastor thought to devote one Sunday a year to praying for infertile couples many, many years ago...who knows how many babies have been born in small part as a result of it? It's always an extremely emotional service, but I feel so honored to have the opportunity to be able to go and pray for others at it. The service does so much good and I'm always moved by the amount of people that show up to it from all over the country and from every walk of life and from different faiths and religions.

I also just want to add that for those of you in midst of this beast called infertility, know you are not alone in your struggles. For much of the time I felt like I was until I discovered this amazing blog community and also Presentation Sunday IRL. There are so many people in the same position, desperately wanting to become parents...I know it probably doesn't often seem like it but someday you will be on the other end of this road with a baby. Even if hanging onto a small thread of hope is all you can do, God does have a plan for your life that involves a special child or children who you will one day not be able to imagine were ever not a part of your life. My heart just aches for those of you currently in the throes of infertility...I know how deeply painful it can be. I am praying for you. I encourage you to have faith that God knows, sees, and will answer the desires of your heart in His own special, perfect way. Keep that hope alive, sweet friend. Even if it's just a small thread.

Breastfeeding and solids?

2011-02-01T22:54:00.000-08:00

So lately baby John's been a lot less interested in nursing. Have any of you had that happen after your baby started on solids? The perplexing thing is he's been on solids for close to two months now, but only in the last few weeks has he been like this. He generally only wants to breastfeed in the morning and sometimes at night, and that's it. Most of the time he'll cry when I try to get him to nurse. I'd wanted to breastfeed John until he turned a year and I'm feeling bummed at the thought that this may not happen:( He's close to eight months now.

(Also, this is off the subject but I had to turn on comment moderation recently. I was looking at an old post the other day and noticed a ton of spam in the comment section. SO irritating. I wish I didn't have to do this, but at least with the moderation I can ensure this doesn't happen again).

Happy Wednesday!

My cup runneth over..

2011-01-29T14:23:00.000-08:00

With bloggy friend love for Beckie and Tammy!

Beckie sent me some amazing gifts when I was feeling down a little while ago. Thank you soo much, Beckie!! She sent me a couple of cds, a journal, a shopping bag, and the CUTEST Mommy pj pants and baby outfit. Plus she included a super-sweet note. What a generous and thoughtful gesture! I can't put into words how much this touched me...I may have teared up a bit when I opened the package;)

John-John is especially loving his onesie! Thanks again, Beckie. You are so sweet. (By the way, his Christmas was wonderful and so special - thanks for asking:))

And Tammy, thanks so much for giving me the Stylish Blogger Award below! Yay - I love blog awards!

Here are the rules:

1) Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.

2) Share 7 things about yourself.

3) Award 15 other bloggers.

4) Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

So, here are 7 things about myself:

1) I am addicted to chapstick. I have at least 10 tubes around the house and freak out when I can't find any (I lose things easily).

2) I love Jesus!

3) My husband K is 11 years older than me and also my brother-in-law's best friend. Yup, that's how we met.

4) Cargo, our bernese mountain dog, was my baby before John was born. He's more of the "big brother" now. And he's doing a great job!

5) I am not a morning person. I love to sleep. I could sleep forever, and ever, and ever...if baby John would let me;)

6) I'm scared of high places and quite claustrophobic. Someday I hope to conquer these fears.

7) I have 36 cousin-in-laws, since K's Filipino-American and has an enormous family. Family gatherings are the best - loud and lots of fun! I am one of about three white people at them:)

I award this to:

1) Beckie

2) Melissa

3) Robin

4) Hannah

5) Rach

6) Megan

7) The L's

8) Vanessa

9) Courtney

10) A.E.

11) Lindsey

12) Stacey

13) Mandy

14) Mrs. Hammer

15) Ashley

Can't seem to fix the spacing on this post again, grr:/

Hope everyone's having a great weekend!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-01-19T21:54:00.001-08:00

7 months on Saturday, 1/8! 6 months on Thursday, 12/8! And nursery pics.

2011-01-17T23:31:00.000-08:00

Warning - this is a picture-heavy post...and I can't seem to fix the spacing for some reason?

First, here's John's 6 month pic. He had a death grip on my cell phone so it had to stay, LOL...And I about died when I found a "My 1st Christmas" onesie and matching socks!:):

And here are John's 7 month pics (it was a bum clothes day for us:)).

Not sure where the sudden seriousness came from, LOL:

But then he smiled, yay!! There is nothing sweeter in this world to me:

Lastly, I don't think I ever posted nursery pics when I was pregnant? I still have to add dark blue window drapes but aside from that the room is done:

Hope all of you are having a great week so far!! Hugs to each of you, sweet friends.

A time to heal (post #1)

2011-01-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

They say there is no time like the present and after the past few months I've had I really believe that.

Because I have never felt more "in the moment" with simply raw emotion than I have these past several weeks. I've never experienced more elation, more sadness and despair, more loneliness...but also more hope.

I can't speak for other ladies, but personally I think having a baby bubbles up feelings to the surface, as crazy as that sounds. I remember the rush of hormones causing me to cry for what seemed like endless periods days after John was born. It was amazing and I wouldn't have it any other way. But I was a hot mess:) And then, as thrilling and real as those feelings of utter joy were, I would come crashing down and feel like I was never going to escape from ugly thoughts of unworthiness, panic, and self-loathing. I loved knowing God had made me to be John's mother and yet despised and doubted the fact that He had chosen me for that role, because I felt overwhelmed, underqualified, and unattractive as a mother and wife. What's more is I felt alone with these thoughts and feelings. Everything I thought I knew about myself previously was being called into question in the face of this new, looming title of "mother." I wanted to be K's perfect stay-at-home wife and John's perfect stay-at-home mother, or at least John's mother, period, but I didn't know how to get there and was failing miserably from the get-go (or so I felt). I'd gone from being a wife with a job outside the home who had become an expert at trying to become a mom, to an opposite life I was supposed to instantly love but one that felt completely foreign to me. And I believe that's where my depression began.

Last month I began seeking God in a whole new way: actually listening to His voice. I can be great at talking to God but I hardly ever stop to just listen and receive His message. This is part of the reason for my blog hiatus - to quiet the distractions I'd placed before me. So I listened to God, on a night where my mind was racing and I felt compelled to get out of bed and fall on my knees.

And He showed up in a big way. He told me to "Be still and know that I am God."

I felt frustrated and perplexed by His answer, but knew that it was true. God is all I have ever needed to find my way and to be at peace in this life. And as I continued my communion with Him, He told me to be baptized and to fast prior to my being baptized.

This is a strange instruction, unless you're aware that I've never been baptized but have been a Christian for 14 years. It made sense that God was asking me to finally be washed anew in Him, publicly.

So the next morning I got up and prayed some more about it. You know how things can seem awfully fuzzy at night? I wasn't sure if I'd dreamt or imagined God's voice the night before from lack of sleep. So I prayed and then went about getting ready for the day, and as I absentmindedly went to search for earrings in my jewelry box my necklace from Presentation Sunday fell out. You know what it says? "Be still and know that I am God." I got immediate chills because I haven't looked at or thought about that necklace since I was pregnant. (Presentation Sunday is a service my church holds each year to pray over infertile couples - K and I had hands laid on us in 2009 before our IVF cycle). I knew this was God's way of confirming His voice the night before.

I called my sister the next day and arranged my baptism with her church the following week because we were going to be flying to Arizona for the holidays a few days later.

And in a word, it was incredible! I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders the second my face hit that water. And since then I have taken lots of time to be alone and also with God with my thoughts and feelings and honestly, I am feeling pretty good. My head is above water (pardon my pun:)) for the first time in a long time.

I know I am human and hormonal and have a hubby who's constantly travelling and a baby who presents new challenges for me every day so life is going to be tough and it will be an uphill battle. I know I am probably going to continue to struggle with depression on a regular basis, hopefully not - but possibly - every day. But I do feel confident that I can cling to Christ, both when the going is good and when the going gets rough.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-01-12T20:46:00.001-08:00

(And post #2 today since I have more to blog about! But I couldn't resist posting this picture first - it's long overdue:)):

Fake it til you make it's not working out

2010-12-02T22:41:00.001-08:00

Hi gals.

I'm so up and down these days I just don't know where to begin and what to say on this blog anymore. My most recent post was a struggle; mentally I can focus on the positive but emotionally I'm not there. I know I'd be lying if I said I wasn't on more of a down most of the time, hiding behind the guise of mommy busy-ness as the reason for my withdrawal from life in general. John does keep me busy, but I also just don't seem to have the heart and passion for life right now. I love you ladies so much and I adore this community but I'm going to take a break from blogging to try and focus on getting better. I sat on the phone with my husband tonight and just kind-of felt sorry for myself, and that's no way to live. I don't know what's wrong with me...

Thanks so much for all of your sweet words of support and for your prayers. I was especially comforted by all of your comments on my post about my depression - it feels really great to be so loved and thought of.

Take care and hope to "talk" to y'all soon:)

Hundreds of different blog posts

2010-11-28T23:33:00.000-08:00

Hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving! We certainly did. And with it being our first with John, we were feeling especially blessed and thankful this year. It's hard to believe there was ever a time that he wasn't a part of our lives - how did last year's Thanksgiving not feel completely empty without him in it?:)

I am still struggling with depression, but I choose to dwell on the good right now. My "Top 5" reasons I am thankful this year are:

1) We have John.

2) My family and I have our health.

3) We have amazing family, friends, and a church family I love.

4) I am able to be a stay-at-home Mom to the little baby boy I SO adore.

5) God has kept my family and me afloat financially since we went to one income. This is only by His grace - it's been tough! - but we are somehow getting by. And though my husband's work is in Florida, he does have a great job and for that we are extremely thankful.

Here is a pic of John and my Mom from that day (gotta love those adorable "Baby's 1st..." outfits!):

And my precious son is closing in on 6 months, but he turned 5 months on Monday, November 8th. Below are his 5 month pics:

Poor, poor baby. John's little thumb is always in his mouth these days - he's teething and I think this soothes his gums somehow.

So, as the title of this post says, I have so many posts running through my head these days because I've been absent from my blog lately. I've been staying up on everyone's blogs but not actively commenting, or writing in my own...But I am here. I care deeply about what's going on in each of your worlds. And I have things to say about what's been going on in mine as well. I'll be commenting and adding more posts soon...hopefully tomorrow, John's napping schedule-willing!;)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

2010-11-25T12:28:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving, dear friends! Wishing you and yours a wonderful, joy-filled day!! Today I am thankful for my many blessings, including your awesome support and friendships:)

Please support Stacey:)

2010-11-20T15:18:00.000-08:00

Hi Ladies,

Please hop over to Stacey's blog when you get the chance: http://allthatstaceywants.blogspot.com/.

She's new to this community and has a blog on infertility. She's looking for some support.

Thank you, dear friends!:)

Ups and downs

2010-11-19T16:33:00.000-08:00

Thank you everyone so much for your sweet prayers and words of support. My life wouldn't work without this community. It's been especially refreshing to hear that I'm not alone. I wish I could say I'm "better" now, but to be honest, I am a work in progress. Some days I'm happy and other days I feel pretty blue. Fortunately today's a good day:)

I haven't made any decisions yet about what to do with my sadness, but I've been trying to surround myself with people I love, and I've also been turning to Jesus quite a bit. It's been helping.

A lot's been going on since I last posted!

On October 25th I flew to Massachusetts to visit my Dad's family for a week and then flew to Florida for another week to visit my husband. I returned November 8th. I had a ton of anxiety about flying alone with an infant but it turned out to be not as bad as I was expecting. When John wasn't sleeping - which was most of the time! - he was entertaining the other passengers with his bright smiles and charming giggles. I even had a few people offer to hold him, which his Mama was so thankful for - my arms needed a break! Especially on the 6 hour straight flight home...

The Massachusetts leg of the trip was okay. That side of the family hadn't met John yet, so it was neat to get to show him off and for my Dad to also, given that John's his namesake and first Grandson. But I mostly flew out there to support my Dad. My beloved Grandpa passed away in January 2009 and the people he left behind in his household - my Grandma, who's senile, and my Uncle, who has Down's Syndrome - require considerable care on a daily basis. My Dad's sister immediately gave up her life when my Grandpa passed and moved in with them to be their caretaker. She really is a Saint; when I have bad days I think of her and what her life is like now. I don't know how she does it - she has such a strength I admire, and she hardly ever complains about the life she's now leading. I know it's difficult on my Dad being so far away from them. He flies out when he can to help take some of the burden off of her, though it will never be nearly enough time. So I decided to join him and help out when possible.

I did what I could, though there is more to be done than there is time for. The house needs a ton of work - organizing, maintenance, etc. I often felt like I was at such a loss of how to best be of use. And this was my first time staying at my Grandparents without my Grandpa there. It was sad; the house felt so empty without him. And the house itself was much better kept when he was alive - it was beautiful at one time. My Dad had a few rough days and I was glad to at least be there to listen. All in all, I left feeling like it was a good trip to have made, but it was also filled with sadness.

Will you please keep my Aunt, Grandma, and Uncle in your prayers? I believe my Grandma knows the Lord but my Aunt is not a believer. Her burden must feel so heavy without God to turn to to lighten the load. My Dad also doesn't believe; he's been in my prayers for years.

My son's dedication is at my church this Sunday though and my Dad's going. It's the first service he's been to in years. I'm praying it speaks to his heart.

But Florida was anything but sad:) It was so wonderful to spend an entire week with my husband and John in the sunshine, not having to worry about much but simply enjoying and caring for my husband and baby boy. I was glad I ended my trip there!

I need to post John's 5 month pics soon. I'm so behind! I can't believe he's already coming up on 6 months...truly unbelievable. I say this every day, but it's scary how fast time flies! It really is. Ever since I married K the years have just flown by. Makes me want to appreciate every blessed second of life that much more:)

Wordless Wednesday

2010-10-20T10:19:00.000-07:00

We love our Bumbo!

Thanks also for your words of encouragement on my post the other night. I really appreciate your support. I'm working through those feelings..

Mommy blues

2010-10-18T22:38:00.000-07:00

This is a hard post to write because I feel vulnerable emotionally and also don't want to appear at all ungrateful for my blessed baby and the life I am now living. I know there are women out there still waiting and praying for their babies...my heart aches for those ladies. I love my child and my life with him in it and I consider myself incredibly blessed to be able to spend every day with him.

But I can't deny what I've been feeling lately: I'm depressed.

My sadness took me by surprise because while people warned me about the post-partum blues, I seemed to sail past John's birth with little hormonal "side effects" and have been thoroughly enjoying being a stay-at-home Mom ever since - every minute of it. But lately, in the past few weeks, I've found I can't continue wearing this smile day in and day out when I'm feeling just down and sad most of the time. It feels like a neverending grey haze is surrounding me. I don't have the energy or enthusiasm for the day-to-day things, but somehow I get through them...And I have such guilt about the way I've been feeling because John deserves a happy Mommy, but that's not who I am right now.

I think part of the reason I feel this way is because K is gone four to five days of the week and will be for at least a year and a half, possibly a total of five. And I miss him. More than the intimacy, I miss our friendship - if he were here during the week we'd be sharing the little things that happened in our day with one another. I'd be telling him about the "random cool thing" John did during the day. We'd be eating dinners together and laughing at T.V. shows together. K would also be able to provide some reprieve for me occasionally...But because of our situation, I feel somewhat isolated during the week (even though I'm connected with other local Moms through church and a Mom's group). I feel especially lonely going to bed by myself, I don't know why. I just lay there and think about things and I often can't fall asleep for a few hours. I sleep so much better when K's in the same bed - one of those psychological mysteries I can't explain. I also feel constant pressure (mostly that I put on myself) to "do it all" and be the perfect wife and mother and have everything just right when he comes home. But I've been finding that that's impossible, surprise, surprise. I feel like I don't come close and am failing miserably. It seems like I take one step forward and two steps back a lot of the time. Some days I'm lucky if I even get dressed at a decent time!

I also fight feelings of insecurity when I'm around friends or acquaintances who work outside the home, because I feel like I don't have a lot to say about what's going on in my life right now. It's not very interesting relaying to someone that your baby has been crying less or has been having terrific bowel movements lately...:)

But in all seriousness, I feel like I have no right to complain because I wanted this life and I do appreciate it immensely. I ADORE my little boy. I wouldn't have things any other way. I've been trying to talk and pray myself out of this funk, both of which has always worked in the past. But for some reason it's not this time around and this sadness is hanging on. I don't want to take medication and we can't afford counselling, but have any of you been in this place before? I'd appreciate any advice you might have. I'm concerned about this depression continuing and don't know how to climb out of it. Thanks so much..

4?! months old as of Friday, 10/8

2010-10-14T09:22:00.000-07:00

Did I mention I have a problem...I can't stop taking photos of this little guy. There are about 30 more just like these:)

What the?

2010-10-13T00:39:00.000-07:00

I logged on tonight and discovered my blog template died unexpectedly - BOO. I'll be working on setting up the new one soon.

In the meantime please excuse Mommy-in-waiting's appearance - we are currently under construction...:)

Advice on baby carriers?

2010-10-07T20:18:00.001-07:00

So I'm in the market for a new baby carrier. I currently have the following Infantino one and I hate it!:

It's uncomfortable and I have to hold John in place the whole time, and it's so much trouble to get on and off. The worst part is I've just discovered the leg openings pinch his poor little legs even though he's well within the weight limit. He's a big baby, but he should still fit the darn thing...

I'm hoping to get out this weekend and buy a new one - I'm looking at probably buying some type of wrap carrier instead. I really like the moby wrap so far. Anyone have any suggestions for carriers? Ones you currently use and love?

Wordless Wednesday

2010-10-06T09:44:00.000-07:00

Father's Love Letter - An intimate message from God to you:

http://www.fathersloveletter.com/text.html

Once an Infertile...

2010-10-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

I won't finish the rest of this phrase because these depressing words have been echoing through my mind for a little over a month now.

I realize that I have no right to complain. My son is a beautiful, living miracle I get to be with every day. I am SO blessed to have him.

But even though I regularly remind myself to be thankful and not desire more, I've been thinking lately about the future of my family and my heart hurts whenever I do. It's a sharp, physical pain. The older John gets, the stronger it grows. I was able to somewhat avoid these thoughts and feelings while I was pregnant and even for awhile after my son was born, but at some point I knew they would loom up again because it's a real possibility that John may be the only child I ever bear.

I dread the conversations other new or seasoned mommies innocently strike up with me that involve friendly questions about if K and I plan to have more kids, and when, because I never know how to answer. A lump usually forms in my throat when I attempt to respond, because while I want to say, "Absolutely - we hope to be pregnant in the next couple of years or so," I know better. I don't typically tell people I just meet about everything we went through to conceive John - I struggle to find the words that won't reveal how painful this type of question really is for me. Before I got married I wanted four kids...I've since changed this number to two, as realistically I don't think four is possible anymore. I would be thrilled to experience the blessing of pregnancy a second time. I feel extremely sad when I think about the fact that I may never have that chance.

I'm so envious of the women I talk to who got pregnant easily their first time around...I'm envious of their seemingly endless optimism on the subject of expanding their family. One of them is a neighbor and fellow SAHM who's my age and whom I love, but who became pregnant within her and her husband's first three months of marriage. Exactly when they wanted to. They're trying for their second now, and I wonder if they will be pregnant again long before when we are, if we are. I've told her our story and she is sympathetic but had never heard of IVF before. I have a poem about infertility hanging in my son's room as a reminder of what a great gift he was to us, and she commented awhile back that it was a beautiful poem but didn't understand the meaning of it until I explained it to her. Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't trade my amazing son for the world - but what I wouldn't give to have never heard of IVF...I wonder what it must feel like to conceive naturally and get to experience all of that wondrous joy, completely untainted by the scars of infertility?

I think about the words my R.E. told us initially, that though I was 26 at the time my ovaries were like a 40-year-old's. That time was running out quickly because my eggs were a very low quality and quantity. That IVF was our only option and needed to be done during the clinic's next cycle or it would likely be too late. And then, a few months later, I remember being told just one of our three embryos had survived the night of our retrieval. I remember not being able to talk through my sobs on the phone with my Dad that afternoon. I remember just crying, crying, crying. The kind of choking sobs you never think you're going to recover from. I sat on the top of my stairs and just clung to my dog's drenched fur. I remember thinking all hope was lost. But God was working on a miracle, one I couldn't fathom then through my anguish.

And I'm scared to hope for another one.

I hear the stories about people who conceived naturally after IVF. My husband used to tell me about them while I was pregnant, and I would smile and say I hoped that would be us. But a deeper part of me was full of doubt and still is. It would take an absolute miracle to get pregnant again, and getting pregnant without IVF seems an impossibility - I can't allow myself to truly get excited about trying to conceive naturally. I can't allow hope to creep in regarding undergoing IVF again either, because of the news the doctor gave me last spring about my prospects not being good...Infertility clings to me always, like an old wound continuously being reopened. I can't seem to rid myself of my old anxieties, fears, and doubts.

K and I are currently in a waiting game of supposedly trying naturally for a year and then going from there, likely back to our fertility clinic. But I'm scared it may already be way too late by then. What if we learn my eggs are diminished to the point that they can't be used at all? I don't know how I'd feel in the future, but at this point we wouldn't be emotionally ready to consider other options for conceiving, or adoption. And on our one income we have now, I doubt we could afford anything aside from one IVF cycle.

John is an enormous blessing who I am thankful for every day. I would just really love to be able to give him a brother or a sister in the next few years and become a family of five, including our dog.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-09-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

John's very first playdate!

Female relationships

2010-09-26T23:01:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been seeing so many examples of women tearing other women down, and I'm saddened by it. It just seems like it's everywhere to me.

I received an e-mail the other day from my twelve-year-old niece, who wanted my advice on how to handle a group of girls who are "not nice to everyone" at her school (she just entered seventh grade). I felt anguished knowing she's experiencing the beginning of female cattiness at such a young age. How can I tell her that this doesn't change - that twenty, thirty, forty years later she will still be seeing women attack one another?

I've also seen it in hate-driven comments left on blogs over the past few weeks, blog posts, and situations IRL involving friends and family members around me. I'm even part of a bible study starting soon that's focused solely on addressing female insecurities and supporting other women.

Women can be SO mean to each other. And I include myself in this statement - we've all done it, said terrible things to other women in person, via cyberspace, behind peoples' backs...

Why? I personally have always felt downright dirty after a gossiping session or verbal attack - being unkind doesn't ever achieve any good. I think when we act on our ugliness the enemy wins. But at the end of the day, we are all God's beloved children and I think He must mourn the hate we show towards one another on a daily basis.

I've been SO blessed lately to be on the receiving end of other women's kindnesses. I'm now a part of a local Mom's club, and I've recently gotten closer to some of my old friends and have started to form relationships with other SAHMs. I feel overjoyed to be close with other women. Relationships between women can be incredibly wonderful and rewarding. This blog community is a FANTASTIC example of women lifting other women up, and another great source of women loving one another.

And yet, it's struck me lately that this type of supportive, loving female relationship seems to be so rare these days.

I don't have any profound words of wisdom on this subject, but I thought I'd write about it because it's been on my mind recently. I hope blog communities like this one can be an inspiration for how women should be treating one another. I'm hoping we can simply continue to spread the love IRL and on the web, maybe start a "love movement," haha...

As usual, Jesus is WAY better at stating this kind of thing than I am.

"We love, because He first loved us." I John 4:19

Spreading my love to you, amazing ladies:)

Blog Award!

2010-09-23T20:27:00.000-07:00

Rach at Going For It graciously gave me this Happiness Today, Hope Tomorrow blog award. Thanks so much, Rach!! This week hadn't been the best, and this award made it a little brighter.

The rules for accepting this award are to post the award pic, name one thing I'm happy about right now and one thing I'm hoping for in the future, and then pass the award on to three other bloggy friends. So, hear goes:

Right now I'm happy that I have a beautiful son who makes my heart swell with joy and love every day. I know this sounds incredibly mushy but it's SO true. I thought before I had John - when I was very much in the throes of painful infertility - that I simply wanted to be a mother to a child. But I now know that being a mother to John is a very special gift; what I really wanted was to be John's mother - I just didn't know it yet because I hadn't had the blessing of meeting him and falling in love with him. My whole world now revolves around being a daughter of Jesus, a wife to K, and a devoted stay-at-home Mommy to John (and Cargo:)) Life could not be any sweeter than it is right now.

One thing I'm hoping for in the future? God-willing, I'd love to have another baby. I'd love to experience the joy of pregnancy all over again and be able to give John a sibling. But I know the chances of conceiving another baby are not good for me - it would definitely take a miracle to get pregnant again, through IVF or otherwise. So I guess the other thing I'm hoping for in the future is to be better. A better person in all the roles I have (Christ follower, wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, etc.)...But also to be better about being content with God's will. Though I hear His still, small voice speaking truth into my life all the time, I honestly don't always choose to listen to it. For instance, I've been fervently praying about Florida but I admit I'm scared to know God's answer. What if He asks us to go? Am I prepared to pack up our family and everything we know and abandon our life here? Probably not. I need to work on being better about truly hearing God and relinquishing the control I so tightly hold over my life. If one child is what God desires for us, I need to find peace about this. And if we belong in Florida, I need to be content in knowing God's ways are perfect and He has a plan for us there.

No updates on Florida by the way. K did decide to take the position but we haven't made any decisions beyond that. He'll be flying in and out each week until we do. Thanks so much for all your words of encouragement! Your friendships keep me afloat.

I would like to nominate the following fabulous! ladies:

1. Beckie at Beckie's Infertility Journey
2. Melissa at The Rosek Family
3. Kami at The Life of Mimi

And, CONGRATS to my two bloggy friends who recently got their long-awaited BFPs!!! I cannot wait to follow you on this next phase of your journey. You're such amazing women. Much love to you both.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-09-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

Our move to Florida

2010-09-17T13:19:00.001-07:00

I just found out this morning that we might be moving to Florida in about two weeks. I'm mostly sad, but also overwhelmed with the mixed emotions this news has given me.

My husband K, who's an IT Consultant, has been on a project in another state for the past month or so. He's been flying in and out each week, taking care of his high profile client. Well, it looks like he did such an amazing job (he's one of those "scary smart" types) that the client wants him to head up a brand-new project in Florida that just opened up for K's company.

It's an INCREDIBLE opportunity.

There's no question I'd support K in anything and everything he wishes to pursue. He's my husband and the love of my life, and John, Cargo (our dog), and I will follow him to the ends of this earth if we need to. I'm just very sad at the thought of leaving everyone and everything we love here - family, friends, our community (church, neighborhood, house, etc.)...I will miss it all so, so much.

But I'm mostly sad in knowing how my and K's parents will feel about this move. They ADORE John and I know us living across the country will devastate them. He's the only grandchild both of our sides have in the area. Not one grandparent can go more than a week without stopping by to see him.

If it were just me and K, I would be okay with the move. Not thrilled, but okay. This is the chance of a lifetime for K and will allow him to really make a name for himself in his career. Plus, we'll be living near the beach and in beautiful weather. And I've always found the prospect of moving to an exotic area (like our relocation to D.C. a few years back) both exciting and romantic.

It's just different now that we have a family. This is going to be a difficult move for us. My husband has one week to give his company an answer; we'll be praying until then about what to do.

Just cuz:)

2010-09-04T21:10:00.001-07:00

(Taken at a wedding we went to today)

3 months on Wednesday, 9/8!

2010-09-03T15:56:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe my little baby boy's already THREE months old. It's scary how fast time is flying! John has his next check-up in two weeks - can't wait to find out how big he is now.

I am so proud of his development. He's a very healthy eater and consumes 6 ounces (literally!) at every feeding, and is also now sleeping 9 hours a night. He'll sleep from about 10 p.m. to 7 a.m. Boy, had K and I missed those precious extra hours! But I also can't wait to pick up John from his crib each morning - he greets me with a series of enormous smiles that just melt my heart. He's such a happy, sweet baby.

John's also becoming more and more aware of his surroundings. When someone's in the room (especially me:)) he will follow his/her movement with his eyes. He also quickly responds to voices - he'll turn his head to hear who's talking to him and will engage by making sounds back (adorable cooing) while maintaining eye contact, or will simply smile and flail his arms and/or kick his legs. K and I often sit with John on our laps and sing to him or talk to him, and are charmed by his beautiful smiles and earnest attempts to communicate with us. We fall more and more in love with him every day.

The other day my Mom was making clicking sounds with her tongue and John did one back! It was amazing. I wish I could have caught it on video. He also recently discovered that if he touches one of the toys hanging from his bouncy seat, it will move. He's very pleased with his new ability to move things.

My heart is fuller than I ever imagined it could be. Though K and I want more children, the desire is a want now and not the desperate need it was before we had baby John.

Anyway, just thought I'd give y'all an update! I've been bad about posting those. Hope everyone's enjoying this gorgous fall weekend.

I survived my root canal!

2010-08-19T00:22:00.000-07:00

I had it yesterday and it wasn't so bad! It was only uncomfortable because my mouth was propped open for two hours, but it definitely wasn't painful. I'm just SO glad to have it over with - the anticipation was far worse than the procedure itself.

On another note, thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has been praying for my friend B. We recently learned her second surgery was a success and she's now cancer-free, PRAISE GOD!!! We could not be more thrilled.

I'm going to be blogging more often but am off to bed for now:)

2 months old as of this Sunday, 8/8! Unbelievable!!

2010-08-03T22:12:00.000-07:00

On Motherhood and root canals

2010-07-28T21:08:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been jokingly referring to 2010 as "the year of pain":

The pain of childbirth, the pain of a C-section, and now, the pain of my impending root canal.

About five days ago, at the end of another exhausting (but wonderful!) Mommy day, I was just snuggling into my pillow when I suddenly felt shooting pains all down the right side of my head - up my neck, deep in my inner ear, along my lower jaw, and in all the teeth above that jaw. I instantly sat up and started feeling sorry for myself because I've been seriously sleep-deprived lately (pic below says it all!) and didn't want anything interrupting my precious zzz's. But sleep wasn't in the cards for me that night. And so it went the next few days and nights because I couldn't figure out whether to call my doctor or my dentist..But I finally got desperate Monday and scheduled an appointment with my dentist for yesterday, where I learned I have an abscessed tooth and need a root canal. UGH. So I scheduled the procedure on the soonest availability, which turned out to be my birthday - August 17th. Joy! Can't wait. Ha. But I figure compared to childbirth the procedure won't be that bad, right? Anyone had a root canal? Hopefully yours wasn't that bad??

Motherhood, on the other hand, has been the furthest thing from painful:) It's been thrilling and surprising, and overwhelming, and frustrating at times, but each moment is SO worth it. Like at 2 a.m. last night when I'd just finished feeding and changing John and as I looked into his eyes, he gazed right back at me and immediately got the biggest grin on his face. Or the warmth I get that spreads from my toes to my belly each time I see him contentedly wrapped in my husband's arms, his tiny hands clasping K's wrists. Or the special moments John and I have when I'm singing to him as I exercise his little legs, or when I'm nursing him and he gently reaches his arm up to touch my hand or my collarbone. Every time I look at John I truly see the fingerprints of God.

But I do know that life will not always be this way, and at some point it will be more difficult to instantly spot the beauty in the day-to-day challenges of Motherhood.

My husband goes back to work soon and I'm finding the prospect of parenting mostly alone a little intimidating. I'm nervous about being able to "do it all" with the house and finances, etc. (which I realistically know is impossible) and still be a good Mommy. I'm also afraid of becoming isolated from other people. Lately I've been almost frantic about trying to schedule time with my girlfriends because truthfully, I'm scared of losing them. I also want my marriage to remain strong and like the idea of date nights but can't fathom the idea of leaving John for any length of time (I'm still soo attached to him that I fear I'll be a clingy Mommy!) (I think because of what I went through to conceive this baby I might have a harder time letting go when it comes time for that..) And lastly, I admit, save for a few prayers in the morning and night and church last Sunday, my spiritual life has been non-existent lately. I am definitely NOT doing a good job of balancing all of these areas with being a new Mom. Anyone have any good suggestions?

Hope all of you are having a great week. It's almost the weekend again, woohoo!

This face takes my breath away

2010-07-23T17:20:00.000-07:00

1 month old! As of Thursday, 7/8!

2010-07-12T18:10:00.000-07:00

Sleepy baby

Three weeks old as of Tuesday, 6/29:)

2010-07-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

Have a great 4th everyone!!!

Please pray for my dear friend B

2010-06-25T18:27:00.000-07:00

My best friend since childhood, B, recently learned she has a type of mouth cancer. She's just 26 years old. Last Friday she had surgery to remove it, as the doctors were confident it was contained and that no further treatment would be needed. Well, she had another biopsy today and the doctors found more cancerous tissue so she's going to need additional surgery.

I'm terrified for my sweet, beautiful friend. Can you please pray for her and her husband A, and ask others to also?

Thanks SO much..

Two weeks old as of Tuesday, 6/22 (can't believe it!)

2010-06-23T17:37:00.000-07:00

John's two week old pic:

Happy (Belated) Father's Day!!!

2010-06-21T13:02:00.001-07:00

This year my heart was SO full as I wished my husband his very first Happy Father's Day yesterday morning. I framed the photo above for K and cried tears of joy as I wrote in his card a few hours before, letting him know it's been an amazing privilege for me to witness the sweetest bond between him and our baby boy develop over the past 12 days, and that I have so enjoyed watching every moment he's spent lovingly tending to our son's every need. I cannot wait to see him guide our son towards the man he will someday become.

We also honored each of our fathers and they are TRULY wonderful ones. But I have to say Happy Father's Day to the best father I know - my husband!!!:)

One week old as of Tuesday, 6/15!

2010-06-17T14:23:00.000-07:00

Here's John's one week old pic:

My Birth Story

2010-06-15T12:38:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, 6/3 my OB called to tell me she'd scheduled my induction for the following Monday, 6/7, at 5 a.m. due to all the ineffective, painful prelabor contractions I'd been having. I was THRILLED! My husband and I eagerly completed our last-minute baby items and I barely slept all that weekend:)

My last belly pic - 6/7/10 at 4:30 a.m.

The following Monday K and I arrived bright and early at the hospital. After checking into our laboring room the nurse gave me Pitocin, which started my contractions. But at 10 a.m. when my OB stopped in to check on me she saw that I was still only dilated to between 1 and 2 cm and was 50 to 60% effaced, so she gave me a pill to thin out my cervix and shut off the Pitocin to allow it to take effect over the next four hours. It worked! When she came back I was dilated to a little over 2 cm but about 80% effaced so she turned the Pitocin back on. Over the next few hours my contractions really started to pick up and increase in intensity. At around 8 p.m. I had the nurse give me an epidural because I couldn't handle the pain anymore - I was miserable and in tears. After that I felt numbness midway down my belly and on down through my legs and feet, and though the contractions were steadily increasing I couldn't feel them and was soo happy for this! I was finally able to relax and visit with my husband, Mom and niece for a bit. At 10 p.m. my OB came by and saw that I was 4 cm dilated, and by Monday at midnight I was fully dilated and ready to push.

K and me during the earlier stages of my labor (that's my Mom in the chair next to us)

I pushed for the next two hours. John continually worked his way down my birth canal and crowned repeatedly, but my OB realized by 2 a.m. Tuesday morning that I had a pelvic bone and muscle that were blocking my baby from exiting vaginally. His heartrate was also increasing so my OB told me she would have to do a C-section. Honestly, I was extremely dissappointed but knew it was our only option so I tried to get over my feelings and just be excited that we were finally going to meet our baby very soon.

From there things went really quickly. My husband changed into scrubs and I was wheeled into the OR, where they transferred me to their operating table and prepped me for surgery. Since I already had the epidural the anesthesiologist was able to use the existing IV to numb me up to just below my chest. I had a curtain in front of me so I watched my husband's and the doctors' faces for signs that everything was going okay. But K's face remained neutral the whole time and it seemed like forever before I finally heard our baby's first cry. It was THE SINGLE MOST BEAUTIFUL sound I've ever heard. I watched through tear-filled eyes as the doctors lifted this tiny body into the air and handed our gorgeous baby off to the nurses to be cleaned, and then K was able to walk over to John's bed and hold him for the first time. I couldn't believe John was finally here with us! An immense love for him washed over me the second I saw him. I couldn't wait to hold my little angel in my arms.

John's birth

It seemed like it took a long time for the doctors to finish sewing me up. But I was finally wheeled back into my laboring room and hooked up to monitors and an IV with morphine. John was wheeled in shortly after by my husband. The nurse and K washed him together and then K swaddled him and a nurse picked him up and brought him to me so I could nurse him. I was nervous to hold him because the morphine was causing me to feel a bit out of it. But I desperately wanted to have that moment anyway. And it was all I dreamed it would be. It was amazing and impossible to put into words. After that the three of us were taken to our own private suite (which was incredible - like a hotel room!) where we stayed until Thursday evening. We've been home since then and I have about five more weeks of recovery. I'm anxious for my pain and limitations to go away so I can fully care for John! But I'm trying my best and my husband has been so wonderful - he's really stepped up in a big way. We are LOVING having John in our lives and can't imagine it ever was any different.

Holding John in my arms and breastfeeding him for the first time

K giving John his first "tubby time" after his birth:)

Me gazing at my perfect little boy a few hours after he was born

John's exactly one week old today!:)

John Atwater Mills has arrived!!!

2010-06-09T13:41:00.000-07:00

Birthday: June 8, 2010 at 3:23 a.m. via C-section
Weight: 7 lbs. 7 oz.
Length: 20 1/4 in.
Other stats: John's eyes are dark blue so far, hair (thick and lots of it!) is dark blonde, and he has K's nose and lips

Mommy and Daddy are SOO in love with this little guy, and even this statement doesn't begin to describe the overwhelming feelings we have for our son. We're currently at the hospital recouping from the C-section and 24 hour labor prior to the surgery. More to come:)

Labor just around the corner?

2010-05-25T06:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I lost my "plug" and had a bloody show. Sorry, totally gross and TMI, I know, but I had to share. I'm not in labor yet but am hoping it arrives soon - when my Mom lost hers she gave birth about 48 hours later! I am one day away from 37 weeks. Just waiting on these contractions to start picking up...

Bed-rest

2010-05-15T00:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm still on bed-rest and will be thru next Thursday and possibly longer because my contractions have been extremely painful and continuing on a regular basis. Yesterday they started around 8 a.m. again and then really started to pick up at 4:30 p.m., so at 10 p.m. I finally had my husband drive me to the hospital because they were coming just one to three minutes apart by that time. Strangely, but fortunately, I wasn't in real labor, but the nurse was concerned about the frequency and intensity of my contractions and had to give me two doses of Terbutaline injections to get them to decrease. We were there until 1:30 a.m. - not fun...

So my protocol is to continue the bed-rest, take Terbutaline every four hours (including during the night) and drink six to eight 28 oz. of water daily. If I have another episode like yesterday I have to go back to the hospital and the next step would be for them to put me on a magnesium sulfate drip and keep me overnight. Today the contractions aren't as frequent, but I'm nervous I may go into labor early, especially since my husband's here only a few days a week. I'm praying my baby stays in just a LITTLE bit longer. I'm soo close to 36 weeks and then my doctor tells me she won't stop labor from that point on.

I've been pretty absent from my blog for this reason. But I'm continuing to think about all of you on a daily basis and I'll be catching up when I can:)

Preterm Labor Contractions

2010-05-05T18:42:00.000-07:00

At 8 a.m. this morning I awoke to severe abdominal cramping. When 10 a.m. rolled around and the pain still hadn't gone away, I called my OB. I talked to the nurse and told her this feeling had been constant so I'd figured it couldn't be labor? I also told her that with my medical history I was hesitant to rush in to their clinic or the hospital right away, so if possible I'd prefer to watch for any other signs first. She told me to hang on while she spoke to my doctor and when she got back on the line, the answer was that I needed to immediately go to the L&D department at my hospital. Uggh.

I'm glad I went though, because L&D was able to confirm that I wasn't crazy - my pain actually was due to prelabor contractions (apparently they can be painful) that were coming just a few minutes apart. Luckily I wasn't dilated and based on the nurse's test shouldn't be going into labor in the next week so she gave me an injection that was able to stop the contractions for the time being. She also sent me home with a prescription for a similar medication that I'm to take every four hours when I feel cramping, plus I've also been ordered to go on bed-rest through this weekend. If the medication doesn't stop the pain or if I have other signs of labor I'm supposed to go back to the hospital. I'm super bummed because my hubby and I had a really fun trip to the other side of the mountains planned (months in advance) that now has to be cancelled:( But I'm also thankful labor's not imminent.

My husband is out-of-state for work again this week so I'm really hoping I don't have to go back to the hospital again before he gets home because I don't feel real comfortable calling my emergency contacts nearby. Now it's just a waiting game - Monday morning I have to call my OB again and determine if/when I can go back to work...

Pregnancy Week 34

2010-05-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

How far along: 34 weeks.

Total weight gain/loss: About 40 lbs. (5 lbs. of baby!)

Maternity clothes: Yep.

Sleep: Hasn't been happening for quite some time..

Best moment last week: My second, "friends" baby shower - it was also fabulous!

Symptoms: A baby belly that is growing and moving everyday.

Food cravings: Fruit and protein.

Gender: BOY!!!

I miss: Being able to fit between cars, LOL. And being able to do simple things without ending up out of breath.

What I am looking forward to: Falling even more in love with my little man when I meet him in a few short WEEKS. Can't believe we just have SIX left!!

Milestones: I had yet another scare last Thursday - my baby's heart rate dipped really low on my nonstress test a few times so my doctor sent me to the hospital for a two hour one, where it happened again and I also had some contractions. But once again our baby was okay. My doctor just upped the frequency of these tests to twice a week instead of once a week. I had a good cry the next day because these scares are starting to take a real emotional toll on me, and my husband's been travelling during the week for work so I've felt like I'm handling them alone...God is so good though. I know He has his hand on this little one and I have peace in knowing that. My baby has beat SO many odds - simply getting through each day I feel like is a milestone for him and me.

Hope all of you have a wonderful week!! I have more pics to post from baby shower # 2 this past Sunday, as well as a few 4D pics from my latest ultrasound.

Latest Baby and Baby Shower Pics

2010-04-20T17:15:00.000-07:00

I have a bit of catching up to do!

Well, one good thing that came of last week's scare (along with learning our baby was healthy, of course:)) was that I got lots of new pics of our son. I am so in love with this little man!!! He's so beautiful and I just can hardly wait to meet him. I think he looks like my husband! Here are a few of my faves:

This past Sunday was my family baby shower (my husband's throwing me a low-key, coed shower for friends next month). It was wonderful!! My Mom and MIL threw it together. The weather could not have been more beautiful (Seattle weather's pretty unpredictable) and we had quite a few female relatives on my husband's side show up, as well as family friends and my Grandma on my side. There were a few shower games (I now know I'm 42" around, LOL) and my Mom also put together a book called "What I Like About Brittney" that everyone wrote in. I was an emotional wreck when I read it later. I was soo touched. Our baby boy got a TON of wonderful gifts, too - he is one loved little boy and doesn't even know it yet!! And my cake was delicious and the food was great - I could not have been more pleased with my very first baby shower.

The only thing I regret was not saying what I'd planned to on how INCREDIBLY special this shower was for me because of all that K and I had been through to get here. But every time I thought about saying something I got choked up...I'm thinking I may save a bit of that for the thank you cards I send out instead.

So, here are some pics from the day!

My parents' family room where the shower guests/gift opening area were

K's Grandma, me, and my MIL

My Mom, me, and my Grandma

My Mom, me, and my MIL

My beautiful cake

Our baby's new pack and play

Just a couple of our baby's adorable new outfits (they say "Little Cutie" and "Little Buddy")

A HAND-KNIT hat a family friend made for our baby:)

Our baby's new highchair

I'm catching up so there are also two new posts below this one! Have a great week, everyone:)

Pregnancy Week 32

2010-04-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

It's so strange to be at week 32 and know that I have just eight short weeks left! I'm starting to get excited and anxious to get everything done before our little one gets here. We still have SO much to do!

How far along: 32 weeks.

Total weight gain/loss: About 40 lbs. I remember hearing at the beginning of my pregnancy about a woman who had gained 50 lbs. and thinking that was a lot...Now I'm just 10 lbs. away from that, LOL.

Maternity clothes: You bet!

Sleep: What's that?

Best moment last week: My very first baby shower - it was a dream and absolutely perfect!!

Symptoms: Body aches and belly movement and swelling feet, oh my.

Food cravings: Fruit and protein.

Gender: BOY!!!

I miss: Running and mountain biking.

What I am looking forward to: Falling even more in love with my little man when I meet him in a few short WEEKS.

Milestones: I had a scare last Tuesday - my baby stopped moving and I had to go into my OB's for a nonstress test. I failed it and was sent to my high risk pregnancy clinic for further testing that same day. Luckily, our baby turned out to be perfectly healthy and doing just fine. I'm just required to do these tests for the rest of my pregnancy, but I'll do anything for peace of mind about my precious baby boy! So, I'd have to say getting past that was a definite milestone.

Blessings to you all!!

Blog Award!

2010-04-20T16:09:00.000-07:00

Rach, thank you so much for my wonderful Sunshine blog award!! It made my day:)

The rules for accepting the Sunshine Award are:

1. Put the logo in my post and within my blog.
2. Pass the award to 12 fellow bloggers.
3. Link the nominees within this post.
4. Let the nominees know they have received this award by leaving a comment on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to the person who gave you the award.

Here are the blogs I want to send a little sunshine to!

1. Tammy's Journey
2. Beckie's Infertility Journey
3. Worship while I'm waiting....
4. ...Expect Miracles...
5. oh, baby!
6. INfertile Myrtle
7. Grow old with me, the best is yet to be!
8. My Infertility Journey
9. The Rosek Family
10. Double The Blessings, Twice The Love
11. Life, Love, and TTC Mysteries
12. The Life of Mimi

Update and Pregnancy Week 30?!

2010-04-05T21:00:00.001-07:00

Thanks for your supportive comments on my last post! I needed to vent some and I gotta tell ya, it definitely helped. I asked my husband that night to talk to his Dad soon and he not only apologized to me for his Dad's behavior lately, but he also willingly got on the phone with my FIL the very next day. I love my husband! He's such an understanding, compassionate person. It sounded like K got through to his Dad, too (I grilled him on what was said afterwards, LOL)...Plus, we were at my in-laws last night and my FIL called me after we got home to apologize for one of the comments he'd made (which had irritated me but I'd said nothing to him about while we were there). This was a FIRST and I of course welcomed his apology - I think we're making progress:)

So, onto my latest pregnancy update (sans a new photo - I'll have one next week, promise!)

How far along: 29 weeks, 6 days. Hard to believe I'm really only one day away from 30 weeks?? Craziness!

Total weight gain/loss: I've avoided the scale for the past two weeks or so. But I know I've gained at least 30 lbs. (and probably at least 10 more).

Maternity clothes: Yep - they're my entire wardrobe these days.

Sleep: I'm tired all the time and take naps everyday. While at work I'm longing for kindergarten nap mats like nobody's business!

Best moment last week: Watching my husband lovingly lay his head against my belly to "listen" to our baby and be closer to him. I CANNOT WAIT to see my husband as a Daddy - I'm sure I'll have lots of waterworks when I first see our newborn son in his arms.

Symptoms: Sleepiness, forgetfulness, hungriness and giganticness:)

Food cravings: Fruit and protein.

Gender: BOY!!!

I miss: Having energy and a smooth (albeit round) booty with no stretch marks.

What I am looking forward to: Falling even more in love with my little man when I meet him in a few short months.

Milestones: Keeping this little guy in me so long. He is healthy and agrowin'! 3 lbs. and counting..

Anyone else's in-laws drive them crazy???

2010-03-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, so normally I try to hold all this in but I needed to vent tonight because my FIL is DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! My in-laws happen to live only about five minutes from our house and he constantly does random drop-ins, phone calls, and just basically inserts himself in my husband's and my lives way too much. He expects my husband to drop everything anytime he wants something, and without fail calls every Saturday morning at about 8 a.m., either wanting my husband to do something for him or just to ramble on and on to him. My husband's been travelling during the week, and already we saw my FIL this past Sunday, he e-mailed me yesterday, and he showed up unexpectedly at my door tonight after failing to reach me on my phone. My MIL is A LOT more independent and I love her. But, as horrible as this sounds, I can't stand my FIL! He talks nonstop, seems to think of no one but himself, is extremely opinionated and close-minded, and is really clingy and pushy.

UGH...

I've been thinking it's either time to move, or have a serious talk with my husband so he can set some much-needed boundaries. Or both.

Sorry, ladies, just needed to vent. I'm soo irritated!!!

Newest pics of our baby boy

2010-03-28T10:40:00.001-07:00

I realized I hadn't yet shared the latest pics from our last two ultrasounds:)

Thursday, February 25th ultrasound

Our baby was 1 lb. 9 oz. and just about 12 in. long

(I can't get this last pic to flip!)

Thursday, March 25th ultrasound

Our baby was 3 lbs. and 14 in. long (and not in the mood to have his picture taken:))

Pregnancy Week 28

2010-03-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

I cannot begin to thank you all enough for your encouraging words - I'm slowly starting to emerge from my sadness and it is largely due to your love and support. I truly don't know where I would be without you. Your messages are always SO uplifting. Thank you.

Yikes...I'm aware that this update is a big jump from my last one and I'm so sorry for that.

How far along: 28 weeks, 1 day.

Total weight gain/loss: Let's just say I've gained ALL my pregnancy weight already..

Maternity clothes: Oh, yes.

Sleep: Don't get a lot of it these days due to discomfort - good preparation for mommyhood I guess?

Best moment last week: Four weeks of feeling my son move everyday still takes my breath away. Also, receiving encouragement from some good friends.

Symptoms: A great big constantly moving belly, LOL:)

Food cravings: Fruit and protein.

Gender: BOY!!!

I miss: Restful sleep.

What I am looking forward to: Falling even more in love with my little man when I meet him in a few short months.

Milestones: Getting past the nausea. And continuing to work full-time.

Hope this week's going well for each of you.

Still here

2010-03-16T19:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been meaning to post for awhile now but haven't known where to start...this is my reason for being so absent from my blog (though I have been keeping up with all of yours). Basically I've been in a bit of a "funk" - just kinda depressed. I went into hiding a bit. When I'm down I tend to retreat into myself and not want to come out. Have any of you ever felt this way? For one thing, I don't really know how to begin to express my sadness when I have everything in the world to be happy about. It seems wrong somehow to talk about it, when there are people in the world who are surviving amidst truly sad circumstances.

All I know is that these feelings began a few weeks ago and haven't gone away.

Jeoff's passing has been weighing heavier on my heart this year than ever before, and I think perhaps it's because I'm going to be the mother of a son and I watched my best friend's Mom lose her own son less than a decade ago. My close friend's miscarriage has also been difficult. This girl is like a sister to me. We rejoiced in our pregnancies together and were so excited to be having children close in age. We talked about baby names and pregnancy symptoms and growing bellies. We shared our hopes and fears about parenting with one another, and our husbands toasted our pregnancies together. I then watched her gradually go from mild concern over the earlier miscarriage signs she was experiencing (the smaller size of her baby, and the fact that her pregnancy symptoms had suddenly gone away), to terror throughout the five long days she spotted, culminating with her awful doctor's appointment where her worst fears were confirmed. I also talked to her the day she had her D&C and listened to her sobs on the phone while she told me how sad she was and that her husband had told her his feelings were similar to when he lost his Dad a couple of years ago...It broke my heart to watch them lose their unborn baby. It doesn't make any sense to me. Here I am with fertility issues, pregnant, and here is my seemingly perfectly healthy friend, no longer pregnant. I know there's no answer to this and that I should just be thankful for my baby (which I very much am) but still, this is a thought that continues to run through my mind.

I don't know that these tragedies are the sole reasons for my sadness, but I know they've been a part of it. I also don't have a sense of perspective right now because I'm still in this place. But I've been talking to God about this.

Sorry for the downer post - just wanted to let you all know where I've been and that I haven't forgotten any of you. I'm always thinking about you friends, and praying for the things going on in each of your lives. I'll be back, I promise.

My heart is heavy

2010-02-24T16:50:00.001-08:00

Please pray for my close friend, "E" and her husband, "V." They just lost their baby today at close to 11 weeks of pregnancy.

Thanks so much for your prayers, sweet friends.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

2010-02-14T18:03:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone had a wonderful one!

Nearly eight amazing years and counting for us. Happy Valentine's Day sweetie!!! I love you!

Jeoff

2010-02-12T18:35:00.000-08:00

Today marks the seventh anniversary of the day the world lost someone wonderful. As I write these words I'm aware that the word "wonderful" doesn't even begin to describe this special person. He is someone I think about everyday - not an hour goes by that I don't wish he was still here with was...He was taken far too soon.

Jeoff or "Jiffy-pop" as his family affectionately nicknamed him as a kid, was (is) my best friend's older brother by two years. My earliest memories of him include the three of us smashed together side by side in my parents' living room, eating cheese quesadillas and watching "Dumbo" over and over again as if it were the only movie on earth. Jeoff was about 5 years old at the time, my best friend was 3, and I was somewhere between 3 and 4.

I remember he and my best friend - "B" - were inseparable growing up. There are six kids in their family and not necessarily everyone got along beautifully all the time. But then there were Jeoff and B. They had the typical sibling rivalries over the years of course, but it went without saying that when it came right down to it, he would always have her back and she would always have his. Aside from wanting a brother myself, I grew up with a sister who despised me and did everything in her power to make that known (no joke, but we got over it and are extremely close now), so I was often envious of Jeoff's and B's relationship. But I felt like a part of their family because I'd known their parents and all the siblings since birth. So in a way, I had a pseudo-brother in Jeoff and also considered him my best friend.

How do I begin to describe one of the greatest people I've ever known? All I have are little snapshots of Jeoff now: his infectious giggle, his obsession with "South Park," his fierce love and loyalty for his family and friends. There are so many. I know people say this about others often, but you really couldn't help but love the guy. I think the traits that stood out the most about him were the fact that he was incredibly generous and cared about others more than himself. The Christmas before he passed, his family was going through a tough time financially and had little money to spend on gifts. Jeoff, who had been living in California and was already very successful in his sales career, suddenly burst through the front door a few days before Christmas, hauling behind him a gigantic garbage bag FULL of beautiful presents, even though he was just 22 and had only been at his job for about a year. He slid the bag into the living room and simply said, "Here," as if it were nothing. That's the epitome who he was - a boy on the verge of becoming a man who was overflowing with humility and generosity.

Aside from Jeoff's sweet personality, he was also good-looking, with light brown eyes, dark swooping lashes, a thick head of brown hair and deep-set dimples.

When I reached my teens I started to become aware of our unspoken feelings for one another. And as time went on I began to see more and more that Jeoff felt the same way too. I remember spending an entire night at his parents' house playing video games with him, cracking up as we tried to beat one another at Mario Brothers. The night quickly transformed to dawn and as we started to succumb to lack of sleep, we leaned against the couch and Jeoff casually draped his arm across my shoulders. I remember smiling and feeling tingly from head to toe at that moment...but that was the furthest our feelings ever went - we never did speak of that innocent night. I think on some level we both felt a bit awkward because of B and the fact that we risked hurting her if we did start up a relationship. I remember fantasizing about us finally ending up together and getting married someday - I know we loved each other but we never got the chance to explore those feelings. The timing was always somehow off; one of us always seemed to be in a relationship when the other was single. I remember feeling warm each time I'd hear little questions he'd asked about me though - how I was, if I was dating, etc. In retrospect I know marriage is not what God intended for us, but that was my dream for a long time and I admit it took me awhile to fully reconcile this after he passed away. (I've since learned without a doubt though, that God had actually set aside my husband, K, who is perfect for me, instead. )

When I learned Jeoff had died I was living in Virginia and my then-boyfriend (who's now my husband - K) and I had taken a trip to stay at a bed and breakfast for the weekend. It was supposed to be our first romantic Valentine's weekend away together. I remember taking in the quaintness of the small town on our first night there, exploring all the little shops and eating at a restaurant with a real crackling hearth and brick exterior. I also fully reveled in knowing we'd been snowed in since shortly after we'd arrived.

But then the next morning I absentmindedly listened to my voicemail and there was just one message, from my sister. She was sobbing as she said the words, "Something awful has happened, Britt. Please call me back as soon as you can." With trembling fingers I dialed her number and she gave me the news that Jeoff had been killed in a car accident a couple of days before. I remember the room we were staying was a bright yellow and it suddenly felt suffocating. I barely made it down the first set of stair steps towards the downstairs before crumpling over the last two and choking out to K, who was sitting in the living room, "Jeoff just died." He rushed to the stairs and I fell into his arms, shaking and sobbing. I could feel the curious stare of the other house guests as I cried. The rest of our stay there is a blur of pain and grief - I remember sitting in a mountain of used kleenexes the whole next day on a strange bed, desperately wishing for the snow to stop so I could leave the house and grieve privately, without the other bed and breakfast guests around. I remember feeling guilty because I wanted to be alone and my husband didn't know what to do so he largely spent the weekend by himself, exploring the town and talking to the other guests while I stayed holed up in our room. K didn't know Jeoff so I felt removed from him emotionally during that time. I mostly remember K sweetly asking me over and over again how he could help, and I remember knowing there was no way I could begin to put into words all the emotions that were coursing through me.

I remember feeling like I had died too.

The next weekend I flew home for the funeral. It was a heartbreakingly beautiful ceremony. One of my strongest memories was when Jeoff's sisters sang, "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" in perfect harmony. Somehow they made it through the song. And the church that day was overflowing with people - I remember they flowed out the door and into the parking lot. There wasn't enough room to contain everyone who had loved him.

I'd love to say that the pain has dulled since then, and in some ways it has, but in other ways it hasn't and probably never will. This was just one of those tragedies you can never quite wrap your mind around - why would God take someone so young? I know I'll never know the answer to this in my lifetime. His loss will forever be felt deeply with his family and it breaks my heart to know what each of them go through everyday. I know the pain I feel doesn't even begin to compare to theirs.

The one thing I can say that has kept his family surviving is their strong faith. Jeoff's Mom was my spiritual mentor growing up - she is incredibly grounded in her beliefs and loves the Lord. She and her husband have kept their family together since that day with their unceasing belief that God loves them and loves Jeoff. It's been heartbreaking and yet inspiring to witness.

Jeoff, we love you and we miss you more than words can say, and we will never stop.

Blog Award!

2010-01-25T19:33:00.000-08:00

Thank you to Rach at Sillyness Abounds for my awesome blog award!!

The rules are simple - just give 7 fun facts about you and then nominate 7 people for the beautiful blogger award.

1. I love Jesus.

2. I'm addicted to chapstick. I have at least ten tubes around the house and freak out when I can't find any (I lose things easily).

3. I'm married to my best friend, K. He also happens to be 11 years older than me, my polar opposite, and my brother-in-law's best friend. And yep, we did meet at my sister's wedding.

4. I studied (written) Journalism in college but now work in Commercial Real Estate. I miss writing and hope to get back into it someday soon.

5. I have a furry child (Bernese Mountain Dog) named Cargo, who we take to the dog park every weekend. We love him so much. It's going to be an interesting adjustment when our little boy arrives!

6. I'm a hopeless romantic.

7. Fun fact: I've got 36 cousin-in-laws (my husband's Filipino-American and has an enormous family). Family gatherings are the best. Lots of love all around. I am one of I think three white people at them. I don't stick out at all!:)

Now I am passing this award on to:

Finding My Mom Genes

Grow old with me, the best is yet to be!

Waiting

I'm watching "The Bachelor" and feeling very content tonight:) Have a great week, everyone!

Pregnancy Week 19

2010-01-22T20:28:00.001-08:00

How far along: 19 weeks, 3 days.

Total weight gain/loss: Up TWELVE lbs.!

Maternity clothes: Yep. They're all I wear.

Sleep: Fitful! Lots of weird dreams and tossing and turning.

Best moment last week: Finding out my close friend is expecting too! I was so happy I cried.

Symptoms: Same. AND lots of new itchiness on my tummy.

Food cravings: Same. Loving caesar salad lately for some reason?

Gender: BOY!!!

I miss: Seeing all of my feet when I look down.

What I am looking forward to: Seeing only my belly when I look down.

Milestones: My belly's feeling huge to me lately! Does that count as a milestone?:)

We're having a baby...................

2010-01-08T14:49:00.000-08:00

BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you everyone for your sweet comments and well wishes!!! We couldn't be more thrilled - this precious baby boy is the biggest blessing we could ever receive:) I love my little boy soooo much already!! I don't know how I'm going to last the next five months - I cannot wait to meet him!

Hope all of you have some fun plans this weekend. It's raining (of course) here in Seattle, but nothing could hinder my joy!

Second post tonight - more catch-up

2010-01-04T20:39:00.000-08:00

So, first of all, I hope all of you had fun and relaxing holidays!! Mine were great - too short! but great. My brother-in-law and his family came into town and my sister-in-law (who's like a blood sister to me) and I pampered ourselves. It was so nice! That was the highlight of my time off - doing spa days with her.

I also wanted those of you who just began an IVF cycle to know your journeys are close to my heart and that you are in my prayers constantly. I pray this is THE ONE for each of you and I am looking forward to seeing God's plan unfold in each of your lives.

My prayers are on the rest of you as well. I am a TERRIBLE blogger lately but am keeping up with your blogs. You ladies are just awesome - your strength and incredible insight inspires me each day! I feel blessed to be part of such a warm and loving community. Thank you so much for welcoming me into it - I don't say this often enough.

Well, I'm coming up on what is the second biggest day to us since finding out we were pregnant: the gender revealing this Friday. I am so stinkin' excited!! I've been reading up on all the things people have said tell you what gender you're having and I thought it'd be fun to list my answers (sorry - a few may be TMI):

Lots of morning sickness = Girl
Carrying low = Boy
Sweet cravings = Girl
Higher heartbeat (158 bpm two weeks ago) = Girl
Wedding ring on a string swings in a circle = Girl
Skin hasn't broken out = Boy
Craving fruits/veggies = Girl
Leg hair is growing the same as usual = Girl
Pillow faces North in bed = Boy
Husband has gained weight right along with me = Girl
Feet are not colder than usual = Girl
Nose hasn't gotten wider = Boy
Urine is bright yellow = Boy
Chinese calendar says the baby = Girl

As you can see the answers are overwhelmingly Girl! But I have thought all along I was having a Boy?! What do you think???

Pregnancy Week 17

2010-01-04T20:23:00.001-08:00

How far along: 17 weeks tomorrow.

Total weight gain/loss: Up nine lbs.

Maternity clothes: Yes.

Sleep: Better:) Still waking to pee though.

Best moment last week: Starting painting the baby's room "boy colors." Dunno what we're gonna do if we find out we're having a girl! LOL.

Symptoms: Same.

Food cravings: Same.

Gender: Hoping for a boy, but would love a little girl too:) Just praying for a healthy baby. We find out THIS Friday!

I miss: Nothing - feeling very content. I'm excited for the rest of this journey.

What I am looking forward to: Finding out what we're having Friday! And feeling those little flutters of movement for the first time.

Milestones: No more bleeding - yea!!

Don't pay too much attention to my hair - I look ridiculous with it up! It was a lazy Monday for me today:)

Happy New Year!!!

2010-01-01T23:24:00.000-08:00

This post is a little late but I hope everyone had a fun and safe one! I'm once again behind on my belly posts but plan to catch up later this weekend:)

Pregnancy Week 14! My goodness - the time has flown!

2009-12-14T20:32:00.001-08:00

Latest ultrasound pic of our jelly bean from our sequential screen 12/3!

I promised myself after my last post that I wouldn't go that long without blogging again. But once again the nausea had other ideas, LOL. So it's been awhile and I can't believe I'm 14 weeks already. The time's going by way too fast!

How far along: 14 weeks tomorrow.

Total weight gain/loss: Up six lbs.

Maternity clothes: Yes - they're all I wear. My husband was giving me a hard time this morning when I mentioned I wear the same three pants over and over...I think I need to go shopping:)

Stretch marks: None.

Sleep: Fitful. I fall asleep easily but wake often. Also, I can no longer sleep on my back because of the intense pressure it puts on my bladder.

Best moment last week: Last week was a really scary one - I had some bleeding and went to the ER Thursday night. We were there five hours while the doctor did bloodwork, an exam, and a sonogram. We learned a quarter-size section of our jelly bean's placenta had separated, causing the bleeding. The good part of the experience is the fact that there have been no more scares since then. We're praying this will be the ONLY one we'll have.

Symptoms: Constant nausea and hunger, frequent night urination, fatigue, pulling on the lower part of my stomach, heartburn.

Food cravings: Fruits and sweets. Also minestrone soup.

Gender: Hoping for a boy, but would love a little girl too:) Just praying for a healthy baby. We find out January 8th!

I miss: Not feeling nauseated all the time.

What I am looking forward to: Finding out our jelly bean's gender and feeling him/her move in a few weeks.

Milestones: Making it past twelve weeks, and making it past the bleeding.

Thank you so much for your helpful suggestions with my nausea! Those were great. I'm now taking flintstone vitamins and a gummy B-complex vitamin with ginger ale at night. I still have a few other pills to swallow but they're not nearly as bad as before. Yay!

Even though I haven't been blogging lately, I've kept up on all of your blogs and you're each constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Hope you're all having a great week.